If I never get better

What if, it never gets better. What if this is all there is? Can I learn to accept that I might never feel better? I might never feel worthy or worth it, I might always feel like a burden. Though this happens less, it still happens. Dealing with my trauma and healing from it makes it wax and wane, but it’s always there.

It’s there in the smile that I missed, in the kind words I didn’t hear. The feeling has nothing to do with my actual worth, and more to do with my illness, but still it remains. As I heal it can get better, but the truth it it’s like any recovery: it’s forever. No matter how good a handle you think you have on it, the universe finds ways to throw you that curve ball.

So I ask myself again, can you live with yourself? Can I go on forever knowing that I will always have this feeling that I am not good enough. That I may never believe anyone will love me unconditionally? That because I don’t have the ability to trust myself, I won’t be able to trust others? What if this is who I am now?

It’s not, right? It’s not because even as I go back now and look at my writing the weak caterpillar, yes woman, blinded by success and money is no longer there. I’m in flux, I am changing, I am capable of change… and I have to see that. If I am ever to break free from this cocoon I must remember a few things:

  1. The only constant is that everything changes
  2. That recovery is forever but it gets easier with time
  3. The time it takes for you to grow is the time it takes, it cannot be rushed or forced
  4. Before you can feel unconditional love from another, you need to have it for yourself
  5. I am a flawed human and will make mistakes
  6. That in the cocoon only at the very beginning and the very end do you know what you are
  7. The in between is just messy goo, self digested and ready for rebuilding
  8. Until I can digest all that was, I will not be able to start putting it back together

Back to eating shit for a while I guess… but hope renewed. Even if I never feel better, I will at some point learn to love and forgive myself for issues that will come up. That I will learn from them and move on. And that even if my trauma wins, I have already done so much good work, and so much good for others, that I should be proud.

If I can learn to have half the compassion that I have for others, for myself, then I am going to make it. You will too.

 

 

Goodbye Letters

*Trigger Warning* I am safe, but these letters can invoke some sadness. Please be cautious if you are triggered by suicide.

To my Dearest Best Friend,

I moved away a long time ago, but this is the final time I message you. I will miss you, I hope that now your little family will keep you strong. My absence from your life will not be felt long, please love that little man more than anyone else in the world.

You were someone whom I could really trust, and I think the only person who never let me down. I will always remember the kindness and love you showed me. I treasure all that you did and am thankful I had someone in my life like you.

Sincerely,

Me

 

To my Mom,

I hope the money you put before all of us keeps you warm now that I am gone. You were not there for me like we needed, you let me fall, and treated me like a Parent rather than the child. I loved you so much, I thought we would be friends one day, but your actions during Grandma’s transition and passing showed me otherwise. I hope you wake up and realize before it’s too late for Ash and James… you need to step up and be a better mom.

Sincerely,

Angel Face

 

To my Siblings,

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you, I’m sorry I was such a bad sister. I tried to be mom and sister for you guys but it never really worked out the way I wanted it to. I love you both, and you were one of the only reasons I hung on as long as I did. I hope that this gives mom and Mike the wake up they need to be there for you like they should be.

Remember, you are stronger than I am. You can and will make it… just hang onto each other.  Stay in each other’s corner. Help each other.

Sincerely,

Me

 

To my Spouse,

I release you from your ties to my awfulness. You have stayed with me through the worst and while I wish I could say it was enough to make me stay. In the end it was this that made me walk away. I truly feel like nothing more than a burden to you. That you are staying with me out of pity, or just out of boredom. I feel like your heart has been elsewhere since Mike’s passing and I am too far gone to reach it.

Either all these things were true, or I am really that crazy… and we know the answer to that. So I’m doing you this favor. You’re sadness will be short and will bring a creative wave that will launch that career you want. Your friends will gather and help you through this time, and your true love will finally arrive.

I Loved you with everything I had, till the last breath of my body. I wish I was stronger, I wish I was the one, I wish that this pain was fixable… but none of that is true. I am too broken to be Loved the way I Love you. Thank you for everything.

Sincerely,

Chrysalis

 

 

The Anxiety Gremlin

All day pacing the halls of records, touching each instance of good with her uncertainty

Which memory shall I ruin today, she bellows down the caverns of my mind

Running her long razorlike nails against the title on each cover she stops for a moment

“Do I dare?” She questions under her breath as she pulls out the album out

No dust here, I come often to look at this but typically its in bad times

I draw on my experiences this day as they are true to my heart

They ground me, keep me sane

“Please don’t” the wind whispers and she opens the page…

 

A million paper cuts

I keep playing them over and over in my head. Yes brain let’s rehash how fucking stupid I am and how much he hates me while I try and keep from killing myself… great idea. Fuck, this train won’t stop at a station so one more time from the top…

We were mid conversation again, what happened? You just looked at your phone and then walked away. I just asked you a question, did you not want to answer it? I must be annoying him, just let it be.

I love you… but no response. Everytime you say this in bed with him you feel this way, why do you do it? Clearly he doesn’t want to, and you keep pushing it. He loves you, he doesn’t need to always respond… but why doesn’t he? In this most intimate moment? Its because he doesn’t feel the same way and those moments are the most honest.

When he was standing there was he intentionally ignoring me when I asked if he would marry me again? And why? Or did he just not hear me? I swear he was looking at me, but not for sure. Damn.

The heavy sigh, the eye rolls, the frowns… are those for me? They come after that sweet smile and a blown kiss, but are they meant for me? Is that him saying “ugh, this bitch”, or showing me how tired he is of me?

The universe is a shitty place that has no grand master plan, he’s the love of my life but clearly you’re not the love of his. He’s just here because you’re alone. You have no one but him and his friends and he’s staying with you out of pity. He’s afraid you will kill yourself if he leaves, or feels bad that you’ll truly be alone. No family, no friends…

… so there is no one, I truly am just a burden for him to carry, I am a burden to many but at least I have walked away from most of them. The easiest thing to do would be to leave this earth as quietly as you came into it. Give him his freedom and give it to yourself too… you’ll be doing both of you a favor.

The world will be better with you not in it, you are making it impossible for his true love to find him because you are being selfish. Your mental illness should have killed you years ago leaving him ready to find “the one”, the person who can save him. He will have the money and the house, he can still get the tribe together. He’ll have so much to write, he’ll be free, everyone will be better off, and all I have to do is finally give into the voice.

Death by a million paper cuts sounds like a dream…

 

#MeToo

It’s dark, it smells like weed, and I don’t want to be there.

I’m in the basement with not just your door locked, but also the door to your bedroom

You’re watching what I think are cartoons and tell me to pay attention

I look back and your hand is in your pants and you’re mad

“Turn around!”

I turn around and don’t remember anything else.

***

It’s too hot to sleep up stairs in the bedrooms, only grandma has AC in her room

We sleep in the dining room on the floor, there is an AC there too

I recall the smell and taste of your cigarette stained tongue in my mouth

I dry heave, and then vomit

You tell your mom that I’m sick

I wake up on the floor in grandma’s room

I don’t recall how I got there

***

You lay your full grown up body on top on me and kiss me

I cry to be let go, I scream, I’m crushed and clawing to be free

I yell that your breath stinks, you blow in my face and lick me

I’m told “that’s family you have to be nice to family”

I lay there and take it… this happens weekly

***

I overhear a doctor tell my mom I need another urine specimen

I should not have results like this one, that would have to be in pain

They ask if I’m sexually active, I’m 8, I’m not

Jokes on them, I’d been complaining of pain and they have been ignoring it

I get an antibiotic, a lesson wiping correctly, making sure I wash my hands before and after the bathroom

I have my first UTI, I get them a lot until I get my first period

I don’t get my next one until I do become sexually active

***

Mood swings, suicide, eating disorders, drug use, anti-social behavior, self harm

Teenagers can be unpredictable, but I am violent and angry

Doctors say there must be some trauma, parents say no

They tell them I’m “just dramatic” and looking for attention

I’m told I have an overactive imagination, and I’m reminded that I’m lucky

***

 

Sex is complicated, fun, and guilt ridden

Emotional consistency is shit

I rock and sway, I sometimes recall terrible feelings with smells

… but no visual

I avoid my family as much as I can, but say “I’m all about my family”

I am a walking contradiction

The part of me that is strong and moved on

and the part of me that is still hiding in the shadows

I will never stop trying to remember all that happened to me

But I am okay knowing just this:

Whatever happened, it wasn’t right, I didn’t deserve it, and it wasn’t my fault.

Death by car

Focused on the page but unable to write, just rerunning the occurrence of the day. I was almost killed today, nothing for real, just an accident avoided. Yet here I am, replaying it over and over for my mind to relive the adrenalin rush and punish myself. Anxiety and depression are feeding this mental block so I guess let’s write this out and maybe I can move on…

The truck, car, I play it over and over. I die a million different ways, in a million different scenarios. Sometimes people miss me, and sometimes I think it’s a blessing to them. I wonder just how much better off the people in my life would be if I just walked away. The burden of my life should not be falling on those I love…

Then when you think it can’t get worse, I think of my spouse in my place. I think about losing him and what I would do. I break in a way I don’t have words for and I start to cry. I imagine a life minus those that I love, and I now wish only for the accident earlier today to have been fatal so that I don’t have to hurt like this every night anymore….

and all I wanted to do was write.

In memory of Anthony…

How does one go on when the ideal you held… when the person you aspire to become one day, does the unthinkable?

I was hoping to be “like” him someday, I looked up to his wit, his writing, and his sense of humor.

I thought if I could just hang on, I can get that far… but what are we hanging on for?

I see so many suicides, so many people who have lost the struggle with themselves… it has mattered not station or situation, the outcome has been the same.

I sit here in tears for a lost soul that I didn’t know personally, but makes me think.

What makes me so special to think I will be able to beat this monster?

What makes me think that my life will not end the way his did?

Nothing…

All signs point to an early check out.

All signs tell me that if my aspirational leaders can’t make it happen then what hope do I have?

I’m defeated today, in sadness and trust that tomorrow I can rage in hope and in your honor… but for now I mourn.

“As you move through this life and this world you change things slightly, you leave marks behind, however small. And in return, life —and travel — leaves marks on you. Most of the time, those marks — on your body or on your heart — are beautiful. Often, though, they hurt.” – Anthony Bourdain