In memory of Anthony…

How does one go on when the ideal you held… when the person you aspire to become one day, does the unthinkable?

I was hoping to be “like” him someday, I looked up to his wit, his writing, and his sense of humor.

I thought if I could just hang on, I can get that far… but what are we hanging on for?

I see so many suicides, so many people who have lost the struggle with themselves… it has mattered not station or situation, the outcome has been the same.

I sit here in tears for a lost soul that I didn’t know personally, but makes me think.

What makes me so special to think I will be able to beat this monster?

What makes me think that my life will not end the way his did?

Nothing…

All signs point to an early check out.

All signs tell me that if my aspirational leaders can’t make it happen then what hope do I have?

I’m defeated today, in sadness and trust that tomorrow I can rage in hope and in your honor… but for now I mourn.

“As you move through this life and this world you change things slightly, you leave marks behind, however small. And in return, life —and travel — leaves marks on you. Most of the time, those marks — on your body or on your heart — are beautiful. Often, though, they hurt.” – Anthony Bourdain

 

 

From Savior to Villain

Have you ever hear the saying “You either die the Hero or you live long enough to become the Villain.”? Well I could write the book on that if we’re being honest.

I have been there for my family in ways one should not, I have covered up some of the most devious of actions for family members, ignored trespasses, and lived in my own personal hell for most of my life. Why? Because I was the Angel, the Saviour. I always was able to swoop in and save the day for everyone. It wasn’t just with the big stuff though, it was with everything. No matter how small or how large “Chrys” was there to save the day.

I know, in the story the hero sacrifices themself for the greater good and is exalted for it. Happy just to be able to help. But this is not that story and I have said many times this does not and will not have a fairy tale ending. In reality I am human, and I am a human who has gone through quite a bit of trauma. Someone who was in fact abused by family members, someone who has been used and thrown off to the side, and someone who ALWAYS made sure they did what they could to be there. Bent over backwards to step up and care for the family…

I know, Heros are not out for a thank you. They are selfless… and I tried to be. But again, I am not a super hero, I am a broken human being and from time to time I need some help too. Or just a little consideration? Or maybe just to not make my journey more difficult?

I know… it’s been a long time coming but it finally came. I ran out of steam. The hero buckled under the pressure of 25+ years of carrying the load on her shoulders. When she sacrificed LITERALLY everything, my marriage, my job, my savings, my home, my future happiness, all to “save the day”… she didn’t even have the family there by her side. She was alone. She set fire to the ruins and walked through it. She danced and let the fire baptize her. She learned to say No.

No… simple right? But when you’re used to hearing “don’t worry I will find a way”, No doesn’t make sense. It’s Cruel… or at least what I was told. That drawing the line in the sand and expecting grown ups to now act like grownups is Evil. How dare I let them down? How dare I ignore them? How dare I not help? How can I leave them in their time of need?

I’m evil, I’m now the Villain. Simply by putting up boundaries to try and fix my own life I have ruined thiers. I am the Evil Queen in the story of my family now… and if that is what they see then that must be what I am to them right now. But just remember that there are two sides to every story. One day I will get to write my own “Wicked” or “Maleficent” for all to see. So the world will know I wasn’t always this bad guy… and that I am capable of heroic acts.

I was the hero in your story, now it’s time for me to be the Hero in My Story…

 

Wake up

One day it all falls down

the ones who held you up, will hold you down

the ones you thought family will reveal as abusers

love will shift and the ones who you thought gone

come back

One day you will wake up

in the world where your worst nightmares are true

but you find yourself not leaping off the mortal coil

but glimpsing at freedom for the very first time

walking away

Anxiety or Instincts?

Mental health and trauma can affect you in ways one would never expect. Where once I thought it had the best “intuition” on the block, now I see that my negativity and anxiety were creating the perfect environment for my worst fears. But still, I was right!? So was it my mind creating the negative outcome or was it my amazing intuition?

Well? Do you know the answer? Because I am faced for the first time with the inability to determine what is my amazing instincts kicking in… and what is my anxiety and self-doubt sabotaging me?

I knew that moving forward in my mental health would cause a ripple effect through my entire life, but I thought once I settled into therapy I would start to feel better pretty instantly. And, well I guess I started too… but now that we are unpacking boxes with the words PTSD on them it’s starting to get messier.

PTSD can mess with your brain in a number of ways, but one of them is that it creates coping mechanisms in order for you to move forward. Two of mine I struggle with the most are Hyper Anxiety/Obsessive Thoughts and simple avoidance. If you have ever been one who prays, or does visualizations, or even just tries to put good karma out there, you know how energy works. You understand the power of thoughts and intentions… so riddle me this:

At what point do you go from intuition, to allowing your HA & OTs to create the energy/environment for your worst fears to come true? How do I begin to trust the voice in my head when I don’t even know if that’s my instinct or the PTSD talking?  What if they are one in the same?

Retraining your brain to new pathways in tough, and reviewing gut instincts for backup documentation is even tougher right now… but I refuse to just tap out. If I have to run each gut check through the paces then that is what I will do. I just wish I had more answers right now than questions.