Brunch

He climbs into her car and inhales her sweet body splash. The adrenaline rush from sneaking around makes them both shake as they embrace.

“We have to leave, we can’t stay here she’s shopping nearby. Let’s go.”

The driver takes off to the motel as he pulls together the cash he carefully squirreled away without his wife’s notice. They only have a few hours together and can’t waste a second, so the typical area traffic makes them both even edgier.

“Two hours please” she says as they grab the room key. The place is what you expect, a shitty roadside motel. The kind of place built for affairs and day hookers.

The room itself is gross but they don’t care. They have been talking, dreaming, writing about this moment for over a year and won’t let anything ruin it. It’s not about the room, their spouses, or anything else other than their own passion and desire.

The hours fly by as they entwine themselves with reckless abandon. Not a care in the world as they shower off the stench of their betrayal. He texts his wife as they leave and head to the diner for their cover story.

They cuddle up in a booth, play footsie, kiss, and chat. Relive the memory of their deepest darkest secret, the one they will take to the grave. He knows her husband won’t stand for this, even if caught he’ll deny this ever happened. He must protect her and this at all costs, even if it means he loses his wife, he cares not.

No one will ever know the details, even they will have different versions of the same stolen moments. However I like to think that the reality of the story, is far more scandalous than I could ever dream up.

Tied

Tattered and tangled I pull from my pocket

A length of string, but don’t know where I got it

Red in color and as thin as a hair

You almost can’t see it, but I know it’s there

It twists and it turns before kinking in knots

Still have trouble keeping it from my thoughts

Impossible to release and unable to forget

The ending of this story seems to me: dead set

Press me for details and none you will get

For I have secrets here that are too delicate

Sharing with you just doesn’t make sense

I’d rather be elsewhere, please don’t take offense

For that string in my pocket is fit to be tied

And the other end I know I must find

Destiny and Love might await my arrival

But to be truthful I’d be content with survival

I’ll take up this voyage, and set my course

Untangle the line, and discover it’s source

My Love I am coming, it’s frightfully true

There is nowhere to hide, “I’ll find You”

Small Miracles

A small shout out to my Fairy Godmother, Frigg, whomever… thank you.  Sometimes you get so busy with your life’s journey that you forget there are side quests to be completed.

Months ago this blog was set up to be a writing space for my husband and I to work on our marriage and our book, but as soon as the ink dried on my account my husband decided to walk away.

Not just from the book, or the blog, but from the marriage as a whole. I was shocked, but it wasn’t deterred.  Rather than just revel in my own pity, I decided to make the most of this and write about the deterioration instead.

Well, thank you world for the slap in the face I needed. Thank you for showing me how far away from my center I was, and thank you for giving me the opportunity to grow and learn from it, no matter how painful it has been.

In the last several months I have been on a journey, and I am still in its midst. I am growing beyond the cocoon of trauma I was forged in… and the results must now be visible to others.

How can I tell? I just lived a small miracle… my husband said to me on Sunday “you know we should really write that book”.  And I’ve never been happier… or more terrified.

hes-not-wrong-you-know

The Letter

My Dearest,

You always write for me, but I have never really returned the favor to you. In small ways I’ve written a few things, way way back… but you deserve so much more than that. I have been a shitty wife for several years, and I want to acknowledge and formally apologize for treating you terribly. There was a long time where I forgot just how amazing you are, and what my priorities are.  I will work daily to ensure that I never take you and our love for granted again.

I’m sorry for hiding my hurt behind anger, one-upmanship has been a never ending cycle of who can hit the hardest and we both lose.

I’m sorry for putting you at the bottom of my priority list time and time again. You should have always been at the top, and very often you were at the bottom.

I’m sorry for cutting you down and not being in your corner always. My low self-esteem makes me want to cut you down so you won’t realize you are so much better than I.

I’m sorry for neglecting our time and our sex life. I got so busy dealing with everything else that I forgot how necessary it is for both our moods and marriage.

I’m sorry for not attending his services. I will never be able to go back and push harder to take the time, I only hope I can help you continue to grieve.

I’m sorry for my family and what it has done to us. I am working every day to be further and further away from them and to add more close friends to my circle.

I’m sorry for being fake and letting myself get so wrapped up in shit that I didn’t even realize I didn’t care about.

But most of all, I’m sorry I hurt you and made you feel lonely in your own home. No one ever deserves that.

I hope that my continued growth as a person is still someone you want to be married to every year from here on out. I will just be me, and treat you the way you should be treated by a wife that adores you. That is proud to say she is married to you. A wife that puts her man in his place when he needs it, but only behind closed doors. Who holds him up and falls into his arms just as easily.

I LOVE YOU

Always yours… Mrs. Chrysalis

 

What does it take?

I wondered many times at what was the secret of a long happy marriage. I see couples that I would aspire to be like, and I see the ones that last and last. I see the ones that make it, and not because both parties are complacent (I’ve seen that too and I’m not a fan myself.) but because they grow together.

Love is an action as much as it is a feeling, a description of what we feel and what we do. I hear some people say that “true love doesn’t need this much work”, “we weren’t a match”, “we grew apart”… I would sit and think about how people could let that happen. I was of the mind that a great marriage takes work, not hard work all the time, but work none the less. That you got out of your relationship what you put in, and if you really loved someone you would find a way to work it out.

But what happens when one person decides they no longer want to do the work, what about when one person drops the ball and the other one gets tired of picking it up? One person should be able to do it alone for a little while, but when days and weeks turn into months and years you build up animosity, anger, resentment, and abandonment.

Now I realize that I’m not 100% to blame for what happened in our marriage, but I know I was a big part of it. I’m willing to take the steps to become a better person, a better partner, a better wife. I know he still isn’t in love with me, at least not the me he has in his mind, and I know it’s impossible to change someone’s mind… but what about a heart?

You should just know

(Trying to start the year off on a positive note… so here is a posting that should have made the book. Small victories should be celebrated, right?)

We watch stories all the time about the absurdity of assuming. The idiocy of some sad person wondering why their significant other can’t read their mind and just know or just do what they want them to. We laugh at the high-jinks, think about the silliness, and then carry right along expecting our partner to know how we want to be loved.

It happens in all our relationships, and I have heard it several times before.  The number one killer of relationships is Unmet Expectations. You expect for life to go one way, it goes the other. You expect your partner to want this forever, and then they want something else.  You will act on the antiquated routine that no longer meets your partners needs. It’s no one’s fault when goals no longer align, but it is our fault that it go to this point without noticing.

Recently my husband and I have resurfaced an old phrase that has been bringing us closer to the same page.  It’s not magic, and it can sound trite, but we’ve begun asking “How can I help you?” I know, stupid and all in that “communicate communicate communicate” advice, but it has been working.

In our last two to three years of growth we have become different people with different goals. (There will be more on this, but workaholic would be putting it lightly) I was trying to love and care for the old him (as the new unimproved me) by assuming and leaving him disappointed with what he got. He said that I never even think to ask him what he needs or how he feels… and he was right. I had been assuming I KNEW what he wanted and how he felt, doing things I thought were great… and they meant nothing. So here I am thinking I’m doing all these wonderful things, and really all I’m doing the opposite.

So I started asking him. What did he want? What did he need? How did he feel? How could I help him? He thought it was insincere at first, but I didn’t stop, I just kept doing it.  I meant it when I said I thought I was doing good, and now I needed to know HOW to do good. Only he could tell me, so… I asked.

And you know what? I learned about this new man in front of me. I saw just how misaligned my perception of his needs and wants were with the reality of his needs and wants. It was incredible just how big of an ass I was being ASSUMING all this time. Learning about this new man wasn’t the only side effect, we also became closer and more communicative. People who thought they had little to nothing in common were laughing and joking again.

At the end of the day, it’s silly to expect our spouse to just know everything we want. However, it’s just as silly to assume you know what they want. Just ask… and then deliver. But that’s a story for another time.

 

 

Light

Today he reached into my heart and turned on the light.

Hope… could it be that we might get the chance to fall back into Love?

Hope… could it be the chance for me to see what he sees?

Hope… could it be the worst decision I’ve ever made?

Hope… could it be the chance we need to become friends again?

Hope… could I be insane to think this might be possible?

Hope… it’s light and not a mirage in the darkness.