The late night call

He gets a text and says, I’ll be back in a bit, I have to make a call. Probably be back in about an hour…

Fine right? Nothing weird here… except Anxiety!

He’s down there talking to someone he doesn’t want me to know about, why can’t he tell me who it is? Why don’t you just ask? Because if he wanted me to know he would have told me who it was. Why doesn’t he want to tell me? Is it because it’s her? Because I’m fine with that, he knows that then why not tell me? Why go down stairs?

DAMN IT! I lose and while I am going to tough it out, and get through it my anxiety has written a beautiful short story about it.

It’s her, you’re telling her that you have to stop talking like this. Sneaking around is no good for either of you. That you guys are both married, and that you should love the one you’re with if you can’t be with the one you love. You talk of how it could be, how you guys love each other, and long for a different world. You talk dirty to each other and exchange pictures before clearing your histories and hopping into bed with your spouses.

Small Miracles

A small shout out to my Fairy Godmother, Frigg, whomever… thank you.  Sometimes you get so busy with your life’s journey that you forget there are side quests to be completed.

Months ago this blog was set up to be a writing space for my husband and I to work on our marriage and our book, but as soon as the ink dried on my account my husband decided to walk away.

Not just from the book, or the blog, but from the marriage as a whole. I was shocked, but it wasn’t deterred.  Rather than just revel in my own pity, I decided to make the most of this and write about the deterioration instead.

Well, thank you world for the slap in the face I needed. Thank you for showing me how far away from my center I was, and thank you for giving me the opportunity to grow and learn from it, no matter how painful it has been.

In the last several months I have been on a journey, and I am still in its midst. I am growing beyond the cocoon of trauma I was forged in… and the results must now be visible to others.

How can I tell? I just lived a small miracle… my husband said to me on Sunday “you know we should really write that book”.  And I’ve never been happier… or more terrified.

hes-not-wrong-you-know

Missing you…

One of the terrible things that happens when you start to shed layer upon layer of a person you don’t want to be, for the person you truly are underneath, is you lose people. I have lost a very best friend, a mother, a sister, a step-father, and countless acquaintances… all after the loss of my grandmother to her passing.

So when you find yourself alone, and in flux, with little to hold onto and few to reach out to, you look with in for the first time. You search your soul for the missing answers, you find your own unadulterated opinions. You find out your true feelings without the input of others and their expectations.

Now that would be great if we were solitary creatures, but we are not. We are pack animals, we crave connection and many of mine are now gone. I come to this point and realize that I miss these people. I miss having them in my sphere to talk to, to bounce ideas off… but more and more I realize I don’t miss them specifically, I miss the connections.

Mostly… there is one person whom I do miss with all my heart. However, I cannot even begin to mend that relationship right now. She is so far gone down a path I cannot follow her on any more. She is someone I don’t know now, and I am as well. I hope she will one day see that I just wanted the best for her, and that I was too hurt by it all to go on with her.

It’s terrible to say I don’t miss my family at all… I hesitate to even write that but it’s true. I’ve been more like their parent than a member of the family so at this point it’s like a vacation for me… which I imagine is an even worse sentiment. However, I have made it a point to be transparent here, warts and all so there it is.

I keep my eyes peeled for like minded souls, I keep those that are still involved close to to my heart, and I keep an open mind at all times. People, like circumstances, are ever evolving. Change is constant, and one day these people might start down the path that leads to you, and you want to be there to light the way.

I miss you, I see you, and I’ll keep the lights on.

 

 

From Savior to Villain

Have you ever hear the saying “You either die the Hero or you live long enough to become the Villain.”? Well I could write the book on that if we’re being honest.

I have been there for my family in ways one should not, I have covered up some of the most devious of actions for family members, ignored trespasses, and lived in my own personal hell for most of my life. Why? Because I was the Angel, the Saviour. I always was able to swoop in and save the day for everyone. It wasn’t just with the big stuff though, it was with everything. No matter how small or how large “Chrys” was there to save the day.

I know, in the story the hero sacrifices themself for the greater good and is exalted for it. Happy just to be able to help. But this is not that story and I have said many times this does not and will not have a fairy tale ending. In reality I am human, and I am a human who has gone through quite a bit of trauma. Someone who was in fact abused by family members, someone who has been used and thrown off to the side, and someone who ALWAYS made sure they did what they could to be there. Bent over backwards to step up and care for the family…

I know, Heros are not out for a thank you. They are selfless… and I tried to be. But again, I am not a super hero, I am a broken human being and from time to time I need some help too. Or just a little consideration? Or maybe just to not make my journey more difficult?

I know… it’s been a long time coming but it finally came. I ran out of steam. The hero buckled under the pressure of 25+ years of carrying the load on her shoulders. When she sacrificed LITERALLY everything, my marriage, my job, my savings, my home, my future happiness, all to “save the day”… she didn’t even have the family there by her side. She was alone. She set fire to the ruins and walked through it. She danced and let the fire baptize her. She learned to say No.

No… simple right? But when you’re used to hearing “don’t worry I will find a way”, No doesn’t make sense. It’s Cruel… or at least what I was told. That drawing the line in the sand and expecting grown ups to now act like grownups is Evil. How dare I let them down? How dare I ignore them? How dare I not help? How can I leave them in their time of need?

I’m evil, I’m now the Villain. Simply by putting up boundaries to try and fix my own life I have ruined thiers. I am the Evil Queen in the story of my family now… and if that is what they see then that must be what I am to them right now. But just remember that there are two sides to every story. One day I will get to write my own “Wicked” or “Maleficent” for all to see. So the world will know I wasn’t always this bad guy… and that I am capable of heroic acts.

I was the hero in your story, now it’s time for me to be the Hero in My Story…

 

The Letter

My Dearest,

You always write for me, but I have never really returned the favor to you. In small ways I’ve written a few things, way way back… but you deserve so much more than that. I have been a shitty wife for several years, and I want to acknowledge and formally apologize for treating you terribly. There was a long time where I forgot just how amazing you are, and what my priorities are.  I will work daily to ensure that I never take you and our love for granted again.

I’m sorry for hiding my hurt behind anger, one-upmanship has been a never ending cycle of who can hit the hardest and we both lose.

I’m sorry for putting you at the bottom of my priority list time and time again. You should have always been at the top, and very often you were at the bottom.

I’m sorry for cutting you down and not being in your corner always. My low self-esteem makes me want to cut you down so you won’t realize you are so much better than I.

I’m sorry for neglecting our time and our sex life. I got so busy dealing with everything else that I forgot how necessary it is for both our moods and marriage.

I’m sorry for not attending his services. I will never be able to go back and push harder to take the time, I only hope I can help you continue to grieve.

I’m sorry for my family and what it has done to us. I am working every day to be further and further away from them and to add more close friends to my circle.

I’m sorry for being fake and letting myself get so wrapped up in shit that I didn’t even realize I didn’t care about.

But most of all, I’m sorry I hurt you and made you feel lonely in your own home. No one ever deserves that.

I hope that my continued growth as a person is still someone you want to be married to every year from here on out. I will just be me, and treat you the way you should be treated by a wife that adores you. That is proud to say she is married to you. A wife that puts her man in his place when he needs it, but only behind closed doors. Who holds him up and falls into his arms just as easily.

I LOVE YOU

Always yours… Mrs. Chrysalis

 

What does it take?

I wondered many times at what was the secret of a long happy marriage. I see couples that I would aspire to be like, and I see the ones that last and last. I see the ones that make it, and not because both parties are complacent (I’ve seen that too and I’m not a fan myself.) but because they grow together.

Love is an action as much as it is a feeling, a description of what we feel and what we do. I hear some people say that “true love doesn’t need this much work”, “we weren’t a match”, “we grew apart”… I would sit and think about how people could let that happen. I was of the mind that a great marriage takes work, not hard work all the time, but work none the less. That you got out of your relationship what you put in, and if you really loved someone you would find a way to work it out.

But what happens when one person decides they no longer want to do the work, what about when one person drops the ball and the other one gets tired of picking it up? One person should be able to do it alone for a little while, but when days and weeks turn into months and years you build up animosity, anger, resentment, and abandonment.

Now I realize that I’m not 100% to blame for what happened in our marriage, but I know I was a big part of it. I’m willing to take the steps to become a better person, a better partner, a better wife. I know he still isn’t in love with me, at least not the me he has in his mind, and I know it’s impossible to change someone’s mind… but what about a heart?

You should just know

(Trying to start the year off on a positive note… so here is a posting that should have made the book. Small victories should be celebrated, right?)

We watch stories all the time about the absurdity of assuming. The idiocy of some sad person wondering why their significant other can’t read their mind and just know or just do what they want them to. We laugh at the high-jinks, think about the silliness, and then carry right along expecting our partner to know how we want to be loved.

It happens in all our relationships, and I have heard it several times before.  The number one killer of relationships is Unmet Expectations. You expect for life to go one way, it goes the other. You expect your partner to want this forever, and then they want something else.  You will act on the antiquated routine that no longer meets your partners needs. It’s no one’s fault when goals no longer align, but it is our fault that it go to this point without noticing.

Recently my husband and I have resurfaced an old phrase that has been bringing us closer to the same page.  It’s not magic, and it can sound trite, but we’ve begun asking “How can I help you?” I know, stupid and all in that “communicate communicate communicate” advice, but it has been working.

In our last two to three years of growth we have become different people with different goals. (There will be more on this, but workaholic would be putting it lightly) I was trying to love and care for the old him (as the new unimproved me) by assuming and leaving him disappointed with what he got. He said that I never even think to ask him what he needs or how he feels… and he was right. I had been assuming I KNEW what he wanted and how he felt, doing things I thought were great… and they meant nothing. So here I am thinking I’m doing all these wonderful things, and really all I’m doing the opposite.

So I started asking him. What did he want? What did he need? How did he feel? How could I help him? He thought it was insincere at first, but I didn’t stop, I just kept doing it.  I meant it when I said I thought I was doing good, and now I needed to know HOW to do good. Only he could tell me, so… I asked.

And you know what? I learned about this new man in front of me. I saw just how misaligned my perception of his needs and wants were with the reality of his needs and wants. It was incredible just how big of an ass I was being ASSUMING all this time. Learning about this new man wasn’t the only side effect, we also became closer and more communicative. People who thought they had little to nothing in common were laughing and joking again.

At the end of the day, it’s silly to expect our spouse to just know everything we want. However, it’s just as silly to assume you know what they want. Just ask… and then deliver. But that’s a story for another time.