Sea Glass

Tall violent waves crash onto the black sand shores of your lashes as I set sail once more, this time in a gale so great I risk both our lives

The seas I’ve become a master of exploring are calling my name again, and I can’t deny the siren’s song as it beckons to me

I’ve charted what I thought was every nautical mile in that expanse of wilderness, but still there’s more there than before

A new island on the horizon, one brought forth as only land masses can be: By great violence of the earth

The plates heave and press against one another causing quakes and fissures, all while underwater volcanoes erupt, spewing molten rock and smoke into the air

I know someone has been here before me but I do not care, they were not the dedicated explorer I am, and I will not give up so easily

Not because I’m the best one to do it, not because I’m the most intelligent, or even the most talented one to try, but because I am made for the job

Every failure has taught me a lesson for the journey, opened my eyes and put a brand new tool in my kit, giving me strength

It’s my passion, it’s my life’s work, it’s my purpose in this life and I refuse to give into failure, the potential reward is greater than any of the most precious gems

“Do you know even what you were looking for?” I whisper to the wind as I leave the comfort of the dock

Rain pours down in large droplets all around our vessel, and the smell of cooling lava tells me exactly what direction in which to head

Those dark amber pools flickered with bright shots of gold and red, the dark brown smoke around each, and the deep black portals might scare you, but I see the future…

… and I am not scared.

Anxiety or Instincts?

Mental health and trauma can affect you in ways one would never expect. Where once I thought it had the best “intuition” on the block, now I see that my negativity and anxiety were creating the perfect environment for my worst fears. But still, I was right!? So was it my mind creating the negative outcome or was it my amazing intuition?

Well? Do you know the answer? Because I am faced for the first time with the inability to determine what is my amazing instincts kicking in… and what is my anxiety and self-doubt sabotaging me?

I knew that moving forward in my mental health would cause a ripple effect through my entire life, but I thought once I settled into therapy I would start to feel better pretty instantly. And, well I guess I started too… but now that we are unpacking boxes with the words PTSD on them it’s starting to get messier.

PTSD can mess with your brain in a number of ways, but one of them is that it creates coping mechanisms in order for you to move forward. Two of mine I struggle with the most are Hyper Anxiety/Obsessive Thoughts and simple avoidance. If you have ever been one who prays, or does visualizations, or even just tries to put good karma out there, you know how energy works. You understand the power of thoughts and intentions… so riddle me this:

At what point do you go from intuition, to allowing your HA & OTs to create the energy/environment for your worst fears to come true? How do I begin to trust the voice in my head when I don’t even know if that’s my instinct or the PTSD talking?  What if they are one in the same?

Retraining your brain to new pathways in tough, and reviewing gut instincts for backup documentation is even tougher right now… but I refuse to just tap out. If I have to run each gut check through the paces then that is what I will do. I just wish I had more answers right now than questions.