Apologies

Hello all, I have been absent for quite some time. I have not even yet found the words to express, but I feel I owe some explanation as to why and how all my posts just ceased.

In addition to losing my husband’s Love last year, we took in my Grandmother to care for her as she was no longer able to care for herself alone. In January she we had learned that we would need to put her in a home, and began the long process. While working through those plans, she got very ill, was hospitalized, and then passed away late last week.

I am very broken, and have not even had the time to care for myself properly let alone carve out time to write. I promise I will be back with a vengeance, possibly under a new name.

Thank you all for following me so far, and I hope you are all still here when I am well enough to make my return.

 

What does it take?

I wondered many times at what was the secret of a long happy marriage. I see couples that I would aspire to be like, and I see the ones that last and last. I see the ones that make it, and not because both parties are complacent (I’ve seen that too and I’m not a fan myself.) but because they grow together.

Love is an action as much as it is a feeling, a description of what we feel and what we do. I hear some people say that “true love doesn’t need this much work”, “we weren’t a match”, “we grew apart”… I would sit and think about how people could let that happen. I was of the mind that a great marriage takes work, not hard work all the time, but work none the less. That you got out of your relationship what you put in, and if you really loved someone you would find a way to work it out.

But what happens when one person decides they no longer want to do the work, what about when one person drops the ball and the other one gets tired of picking it up? One person should be able to do it alone for a little while, but when days and weeks turn into months and years you build up animosity, anger, resentment, and abandonment.

Now I realize that I’m not 100% to blame for what happened in our marriage, but I know I was a big part of it. I’m willing to take the steps to become a better person, a better partner, a better wife. I know he still isn’t in love with me, at least not the me he has in his mind, and I know it’s impossible to change someone’s mind… but what about a heart?

You should just know

(Trying to start the year off on a positive note… so here is a posting that should have made the book. Small victories should be celebrated, right?)

We watch stories all the time about the absurdity of assuming. The idiocy of some sad person wondering why their significant other can’t read their mind and just know or just do what they want them to. We laugh at the high-jinks, think about the silliness, and then carry right along expecting our partner to know how we want to be loved.

It happens in all our relationships, and I have heard it several times before.  The number one killer of relationships is Unmet Expectations. You expect for life to go one way, it goes the other. You expect your partner to want this forever, and then they want something else.  You will act on the antiquated routine that no longer meets your partners needs. It’s no one’s fault when goals no longer align, but it is our fault that it go to this point without noticing.

Recently my husband and I have resurfaced an old phrase that has been bringing us closer to the same page.  It’s not magic, and it can sound trite, but we’ve begun asking “How can I help you?” I know, stupid and all in that “communicate communicate communicate” advice, but it has been working.

In our last two to three years of growth we have become different people with different goals. (There will be more on this, but workaholic would be putting it lightly) I was trying to love and care for the old him (as the new unimproved me) by assuming and leaving him disappointed with what he got. He said that I never even think to ask him what he needs or how he feels… and he was right. I had been assuming I KNEW what he wanted and how he felt, doing things I thought were great… and they meant nothing. So here I am thinking I’m doing all these wonderful things, and really all I’m doing the opposite.

So I started asking him. What did he want? What did he need? How did he feel? How could I help him? He thought it was insincere at first, but I didn’t stop, I just kept doing it.  I meant it when I said I thought I was doing good, and now I needed to know HOW to do good. Only he could tell me, so… I asked.

And you know what? I learned about this new man in front of me. I saw just how misaligned my perception of his needs and wants were with the reality of his needs and wants. It was incredible just how big of an ass I was being ASSUMING all this time. Learning about this new man wasn’t the only side effect, we also became closer and more communicative. People who thought they had little to nothing in common were laughing and joking again.

At the end of the day, it’s silly to expect our spouse to just know everything we want. However, it’s just as silly to assume you know what they want. Just ask… and then deliver. But that’s a story for another time.

 

 

Hanging in the air and dying

“I Love you” she says

The moment is quiet

She touches you, you move under her touch and still nothing

No answer as the words linger there

Like summer humidity in the room

They stay, they do not fall like so many others to the floor.

Still there it hangs

Unanswered and decomposing

She can feel the destruction her chest growing with each second of silence

Unable to speak under the pressure

Frozen in place by the gravity of it all

Smelling the decomposition and feeling the slow death as the moment passes.

 

 

 

 

 

For real, for fake, or for me?

I don’t know if I can trust my gut right now, but I’m hanging on it’s every emotion. We move forward under the guise of “don’t give up on giving up”, but knowing he is willing to try. I am happy to just have that shred of hope, and I try not to let my anxiety get the best of me… but how can you not?

When he told me for the first time that he wasn’t in love with me anymore I was shocked. I knew he was unhappy, but this was not what I was expecting. I thought it was True Love, and I knew that we would make it back to where we began. We had always said that as long as neither of us was ready to give up at the same time, that we would make it to forever. When one of us is down and out, the other would pick them up. Damn it, that was what I planned to do.

Now there were good days, bad days, and terrible days. Like in life no two are the same, but you see patterns. Was my love blinding me to how bad things were for him? Or was I too focused elsewhere to notice? Ugh… would be helpful to know now that I am over analyzing every tick of his brow. Every sigh, every touch, every text, call, and gesture worked and reworked in my mind.

I see it there, that love, that smile. There are moments when I know for sure he’s going to look at me like that all the time. Not just in that moment. I know deep in my heart that the man I fell in love with is in there and can see me again. In all my manic glory, in my sudden sadness, in my nervousness. We laugh and joke, chase each other like children, play games and converse for hours. When we lay in bed together and cuddle, when he pulls me in close for a kiss… it’s been a while since he’s done that and I fall all over again.

Then, maybe even seconds later, it’s gone… or maybe not? Did he just break my gaze to look way? Is he avoiding my touch? Did he just pull away to get away from me? Am I reading to far into this? Or not far enough? Is that love I see for real? For me? Or something my sick brain is creating to shield me from the pain of losing him?

 

impossible

It is impossible to force someone to feel something they don’t

It is impossible to make someone treat you the way you want them to

It is impossible to force a round peg into a square hole

It is impossible to save this marriage

It is impossible for you to make him happy

It is impossible that you are “the one”

It is impossible to get over him

It is impossible to move on and remarry

It is impossible to force yourself be happy alone

It is impossible to change the way you treat him

It is impossible to make him feel what you feel

 

 

Light

Today he reached into my heart and turned on the light.

Hope… could it be that we might get the chance to fall back into Love?

Hope… could it be the chance for me to see what he sees?

Hope… could it be the worst decision I’ve ever made?

Hope… could it be the chance we need to become friends again?

Hope… could I be insane to think this might be possible?

Hope… it’s light and not a mirage in the darkness.

 

 

 

 

Just keep breathing

Just keep breathing, just stay alive, just focus on your work, just write, just think about anything other than the fact that you are going to lose everything you worked so hard for. Don’t feel the pressure of work that you’ve been ignoring for days, don’t think about the mess of untangling 14+ years of a life together, don’t think about your grandmother whom you will now need to put in a home, don’t think about the house you built together, don’t think about all the plans, don’t think…

… but then the feeling starts. It’s worse than you can imagine, and indescribable. Possibly not, but I am not strong enough to muster the strength yet to bother to write it down. Right now it all goes to making sure that I am in fact still alive.

Because I would rather not be.

 

What it was supposed to be, and what it is.

Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans, right? Well my first post was written BEFORE I knew my marriage was over, when I thought we were going to make it work. It’s unfinished, unedited, and now serves as nothing more than a reminder of my failure… my too little too late… the worst day of my life… my lost Love. I hope one day I can look back on all this and think of it as a beginning, rather than the end.

Wife Life

I sat down to write a piece on “How I learned not to sweat the small stuff” and ended up with no direction. I thought about how this piece would fit into the book and what I liked, wanted it to feel and sound like…. And came up with nothing. Maybe before you can write about a lesson, I need to know why I’m teaching it? So why am I teaching it?

I’m a 34 year old, married professional who gave her 20’s and early 30’s to her career… and almost lost her partner in the process. You hear all too often “life got in the way”, and it sounds like a cop out, but it’s true.

When we first married my goal was to be the best Wife and Worker EVER! Type A, older child, over achiever, self-proclaimed super woman (who don’t need no man)… shiiiiiiittttttt. I had this in the bag! I was focused in every which direction, but things eventually spun out of control. As my positions got more demanding of my time and efforts, I had to pull that energy from somewhere.

I slowly but surely siphoned time from my personal life to give to my work life, hoping that at some point I could move it back. For anyone who works in business, you know how that worked out.  Yea… it didn’t. I was working 60+ hours a week, I was preparing to take in my elderly grandmother, we were moving into our dream house, and my life began a full death spiral.

I failed. I failed myself, my husband, and my marriage. My partner, the man with whom I pledged to Love, Honor, and Cherish above all others was at the bottom of my list… ALWAYS. All the reasons I was “the best wife ever” had disappeared, and all my husband was left with was my salary to keep him warm. Something he never wanted in the first place…

The D word, yup, that’s come up from time to time but was never a real threat until something worse happened. My husband fell out of Love with me. The words literally broke my world apart. How did this happen? How did I not notice that the man I had been in Love with for years fall out of Love with me and I not notice? How did we sleep in the same bed, have sex, joke around, and function without me realizing the Love was gone? How was I looking into those eyes and seeing Love that wasn’t there for a WHOLE YEAR!

You guessed it, life got in the way. I lost focus on the one thing that mattered most to me in the whole world. And for what?  Money? A title? Material possessions? I would have traded it all away, and went millions into debt for that Love back. I failed, plain and simple. When I stopped hiding behind “how busy I was” I realized just how badly I fucked up. How many times I put everything else first, and him last.  I needed a hard Reset button, a do over, another chance… but I already got my second chance before we even got married.

He was planning to leave, honestly he still has one foot out the door, and still isn’t in Love with me. He has love for me, and loves me, but it’s not the same anymore. Due to our “unique” situation (which I will get into later), I was granted a final “Hail Mary”. I wanted him to see that I was already making moves in the right direction. I wanted him to see my changes and see who I really was, not what I had allowed myself to become.

Back to the beginning again, so why am I writing this? Well, my husband and I have been through IT ALL. We have always wanted to write a book, but never had the time. Bitch I ain’t got nothing but time for what WE want to do. I want to finally use my skills for what I intended them for, to help others. To help my friends and family, and to have fun with my best friend. So I am writing this for you, for me, for my marriage, and for fun.

I am not sure if I will be writing the chapter on divorce alone, or all the chapters alone. I don’t know if my husband will ever fall back in Love with me, or leave me. I don’t know anything except this: I am in Love with him, and our marriage is worth it.  I have never been so unsure of anything in my whole life, especially when it is attached to the only constant. Yet here I am…