A is for…

Asshole? You fucking Cunt! Not to sully the good name of Cunt, but oh boy is A for you and is A for absolutely-synonymous with worthless excuse for a woman. And yes I know that you’re not the only one, do you? I know he wasn’t the only one for you.

You think you guys are meant to be? Well, get ready for the truth: You’re not. Plain and simple. Not in ‘97, not in 2007, not in 2017, and certainly not in 2027. However, I must admit you apathetic assholes deserve each other! You’re adulterers and liars who have such little respect for the sanctity of marriage. Neither of you understand the gravity of your actions, but trust me soon enough you will.

Yes, I am mad at him, and yes I am going to deal with him directly because he chose to do what he did. But I’m going to address you here. You didn’t give me the decency of an apology so you don’t get the decency of my private correspondence. You get put on blast here. So as your love says “put it in your blog”… here it is.

How fucking dare you? How little self respect does one need to have to put their own marriage and the lives of their three boys in trouble? For what? Tell me for what? I gave him the freedom to run to you. Why is he still here with me? What did you tell him? Why did you deny him? Did you finally see that he wasn’t the right one? Or that your stability was in danger? Did you finally realize that the universe would not send another woman’s husband to save you? Or did you just do this for sport?

I was giving everything to my marriage, to save what I love, what I worked so hard for. Did you think I deserved what I got for failing to pay attention? Well tell me cuntface, what do you deserve then? What is the appropriate karma for trying to steal another woman’s husband? Should I send all the receipts to your husband and let him figure out what your karma should be? Or should I just wait for the sins of the mother to fall on the son?

You’re a grimey, entitled, scared girl who needs to either talk to her husband about how shitty he is, or leave before starting something with someone else. You will never receive the love you are looking for, or that you say you need, bleeding all over others. Ruining their families and pretending it’s fate while all along you never intended to backup all that talk.

Part of me would like to print the whole list of emails, the pictures, the poems, the love notes, the whole fucking shebang baby! Bring it for a trip up to Jersey. Drop them in your hubby’s car or place of work. Or would you prefer I put them in your neighbors mailboxes? Can you tell me how many of these pics you sent him too? Or the other man… um men?

I could make a play for your man… See if I can’t get him to do something even more heinous. How about me having that little girl you always wanted with your husband? Sounds like fun right? I think so… How about your littlest boy calling me Mommy one day?

Or I could get my crazy on, I mean the old school Lizzie-crazy. I haven’t had a good fight in a long time, you wanna square up? We can settle this like men would, and TRUST me I am more man than you ever will be. And I take that as a compliment. No weapons needed, I will choke the life out of you with your own gigantic stripper titties. Or, how would you like it if I pinch that massive nose of yours and suffocate you by making you suck my cock till you puke and make you swallow that?

Kind of wish I was still that person, but I’m not. I know the universe will take care of you and this mess. Both he and you are going to realize the full horror and pain your actions have caused. I know this to be true, even if I never see it. Although if there is any magic left in this body I will get front row seat to the carnage. Will you be woman enough to see it when it comes for you? Will you ever grow up enough to even say you’re sorry?

Here is the thing… I forgive you for it, I do. It’s something I always saw in the distance and finally just stopped keeping from happening. I’m glad it was as good for you as it was for him. I hope you learned something, and I hope you understand that it is out of the goodness of my heart that I don’t destroy everything you hold dear. DO NOT mistake that kindness for weakness again.

I do not wish this pain on even you, my most mortal enemy. However, I do wish you healing. Why you ask? Because there has to be something really broken, still, in you to do this to someone. Especially when you know in great detail what it felt like to be on both sides of the coin. Until you respect other women, you will never respect yourself. I wish you good luck in that journey.

Sincerely,

The “Bigger” Woman

P.s. I know this is childish, but just a word of warning. He’s told people about what happened, I’ve told people, and now this? It’s only a matter of time before it becomes community knowledge. We run in some of the same crowds. I suggest you come clean before you’re forced to deny and lie. Always: The truth eventually comes out. SWAK

 

Editor’s note: Wow. That’s some powerful stuff. Well-said, my Love.

 

Insomnia

Mommy loves daddy

But daddy doesn’t love mommy that way

She keeps him prisoner

Holding obligation over his head like and anvil

Any moment he could walk

At any moment that weight can crash down

Why do I force you to stay

Where I know your heart is not

Why do I feel this

When you clearly feel it for her

Who is happier, you or I

Sometimes I fear it’s only on mine

Teardrops

There once were two lovers

The kind you read of

Perfectly imperfect for each other

But the world was cruel

It turned passionate rain-drenched kisses

Into desperate tearsoaked fits

Where once two great loves stood

Now only cowered a broken soul

Beware fairytale creatures

Not all endings are happy

Even if the love is true

Brunch

He climbs into her car and inhales her sweet body splash. The adrenaline rush from sneaking around makes them both shake as they embrace.

“We have to leave, we can’t stay here she’s shopping nearby. Let’s go.”

The driver takes off to the motel as he pulls together the cash he carefully squirreled away without his wife’s notice. They only have a few hours together and can’t waste a second, so the typical area traffic makes them both even edgier.

“Two hours please” she says as they grab the room key. The place is what you expect, a shitty roadside motel. The kind of place built for affairs and day hookers.

The room itself is gross but they don’t care. They have been talking, dreaming, writing about this moment for over a year and won’t let anything ruin it. It’s not about the room, their spouses, or anything else other than their own passion and desire.

The hours fly by as they entwine themselves with reckless abandon. Not a care in the world as they shower off the stench of their betrayal. He texts his wife as they leave and head to the diner for their cover story.

They cuddle up in a booth, play footsie, kiss, and chat. Relive the memory of their deepest darkest secret, the one they will take to the grave. He knows her husband won’t stand for this, even if caught he’ll deny this ever happened. He must protect her and this at all costs, even if it means he loses his wife, he cares not.

No one will ever know the details, even they will have different versions of the same stolen moments. However I like to think that the reality of the story, is far more scandalous than I could ever dream up.

The Wound

First time I anticipated the cut and saw the steel of the blade before it ever pierced the skin

The second time I was not so lucky,  it entered next to the first while that one was still barely stitched together

One puncture was now two gaping holes, and neither one given any time to heal like it needed

I was undeserving of medical care and left alone to lick my gashes, given salt from time to time to remind me

Years passed in the same cycle: pick till it bleeds, rub, pain, remember your mistake, punish yourself

Over and over again until the scar still shows the thick keloiding that comes with a repeated assault

A reminder so large now that there is no way to ignore it and no way to pretend you don’t know what caused it

The size and shape make it clear to all those who glimpse it what came before, and how I healed it

The horrors that brought that reminder, the actions of mine that brought on the attack and how I felt I deserved it

I remember every moment in exquisite agony every time I pick at it, I punish myself by making it bigger, adding to the layers of scar tissue

But no more, today I have finally been given the tool needed to lop off the entire scar

It will cut deep into my skin and free me from the prison of my own obsessive need to relive the trauma

This is the chance to finally let go of the raised ugly scar and behaviour that imprisons me

It will be a painful complicated surgery without anesthesia, going possibly down to the bone

Every possible bit of scar tissue will be removed, no chance taken this time with the proper doctor in tow

Surgery will leave a permanent mark but this scar will be different, stitched together with precision and given the proper aftercare

Allowed to heal the right way, in a calm relaxing environment and with an attentive nurse to watch over my progress

I’ll trade the old complicated oozing scar that plagued me, for a deep red line across my heart

You’ll still be able to see the scar, but now you’ll see the aftercare and love that proper healing brings to a wound of this nature

I’ll be able to display this badge of courage as a reminder of the unconditional love that fixed it, rather than the evil that caused it so long ago

Glass Shards

It was like a slow motion replay

I knew the bullet was coming

I could see it in the distance and yet I did not move

I felt the words on your lips before they passed through them

I knew the answer to the question before I even asked it

and yet still I am shattered

Still this glass heart broke into tiny shards

When you think it can’t be more broken

Just when you think the light is coming

That is when you realize that the light was not the end

but merely the eye of this terrible storm

Hang on tight my dear,

this is going to be a big one.

Goodbye Letters

*Trigger Warning* I am safe, but these letters can invoke some sadness. Please be cautious if you are triggered by suicide.

To my Dearest Best Friend,

I moved away a long time ago, but this is the final time I message you. I will miss you, I hope that now your little family will keep you strong. My absence from your life will not be felt long, please love that little man more than anyone else in the world.

You were someone whom I could really trust, and I think the only person who never let me down. I will always remember the kindness and love you showed me. I treasure all that you did and am thankful I had someone in my life like you.

Sincerely,

Me

 

To my Mom,

I hope the money you put before all of us keeps you warm now that I am gone. You were not there for me like we needed, you let me fall, and treated me like a Parent rather than the child. I loved you so much, I thought we would be friends one day, but your actions during Grandma’s transition and passing showed me otherwise. I hope you wake up and realize before it’s too late for Ash and James… you need to step up and be a better mom.

Sincerely,

Angel Face

 

To my Siblings,

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you, I’m sorry I was such a bad sister. I tried to be mom and sister for you guys but it never really worked out the way I wanted it to. I love you both, and you were one of the only reasons I hung on as long as I did. I hope that this gives mom and Mike the wake up they need to be there for you like they should be.

Remember, you are stronger than I am. You can and will make it… just hang onto each other.  Stay in each other’s corner. Help each other.

Sincerely,

Me

 

To my Spouse,

I release you from your ties to my awfulness. You have stayed with me through the worst and while I wish I could say it was enough to make me stay. In the end it was this that made me walk away. I truly feel like nothing more than a burden to you. That you are staying with me out of pity, or just out of boredom. I feel like your heart has been elsewhere since Mike’s passing and I am too far gone to reach it.

Either all these things were true, or I am really that crazy… and we know the answer to that. So I’m doing you this favor. You’re sadness will be short and will bring a creative wave that will launch that career you want. Your friends will gather and help you through this time, and your true love will finally arrive.

I Loved you with everything I had, till the last breath of my body. I wish I was stronger, I wish I was the one, I wish that this pain was fixable… but none of that is true. I am too broken to be Loved the way I Love you. Thank you for everything.

Sincerely,

Chrysalis