The late night call

He gets a text and says, I’ll be back in a bit, I have to make a call. Probably be back in about an hour…

Fine right? Nothing weird here… except Anxiety!

He’s down there talking to someone he doesn’t want me to know about, why can’t he tell me who it is? Why don’t you just ask? Because if he wanted me to know he would have told me who it was. Why doesn’t he want to tell me? Is it because it’s her? Because I’m fine with that, he knows that then why not tell me? Why go down stairs?

DAMN IT! I lose and while I am going to tough it out, and get through it my anxiety has written a beautiful short story about it.

It’s her, you’re telling her that you have to stop talking like this. Sneaking around is no good for either of you. That you guys are both married, and that you should love the one you’re with if you can’t be with the one you love. You talk of how it could be, how you guys love each other, and long for a different world. You talk dirty to each other and exchange pictures before clearing your histories and hopping into bed with your spouses.

Goodbye Letters

*Trigger Warning* I am safe, but these letters can invoke some sadness. Please be cautious if you are triggered by suicide.

To my Dearest Best Friend,

I moved away a long time ago, but this is the final time I message you. I will miss you, I hope that now your little family will keep you strong. My absence from your life will not be felt long, please love that little man more than anyone else in the world.

You were someone whom I could really trust, and I think the only person who never let me down. I will always remember the kindness and love you showed me. I treasure all that you did and am thankful I had someone in my life like you.

Sincerely,

Me

 

To my Mom,

I hope the money you put before all of us keeps you warm now that I am gone. You were not there for me like we needed, you let me fall, and treated me like a Parent rather than the child. I loved you so much, I thought we would be friends one day, but your actions during Grandma’s transition and passing showed me otherwise. I hope you wake up and realize before it’s too late for Ash and James… you need to step up and be a better mom.

Sincerely,

Angel Face

 

To my Siblings,

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you, I’m sorry I was such a bad sister. I tried to be mom and sister for you guys but it never really worked out the way I wanted it to. I love you both, and you were one of the only reasons I hung on as long as I did. I hope that this gives mom and Mike the wake up they need to be there for you like they should be.

Remember, you are stronger than I am. You can and will make it… just hang onto each other.  Stay in each other’s corner. Help each other.

Sincerely,

Me

 

To my Spouse,

I release you from your ties to my awfulness. You have stayed with me through the worst and while I wish I could say it was enough to make me stay. In the end it was this that made me walk away. I truly feel like nothing more than a burden to you. That you are staying with me out of pity, or just out of boredom. I feel like your heart has been elsewhere since Mike’s passing and I am too far gone to reach it.

Either all these things were true, or I am really that crazy… and we know the answer to that. So I’m doing you this favor. You’re sadness will be short and will bring a creative wave that will launch that career you want. Your friends will gather and help you through this time, and your true love will finally arrive.

I Loved you with everything I had, till the last breath of my body. I wish I was stronger, I wish I was the one, I wish that this pain was fixable… but none of that is true. I am too broken to be Loved the way I Love you. Thank you for everything.

Sincerely,

Chrysalis

 

 

The Anxiety Gremlin

All day pacing the halls of records, touching each instance of good with her uncertainty

Which memory shall I ruin today, she bellows down the caverns of my mind

Running her long razorlike nails against the title on each cover she stops for a moment

“Do I dare?” She questions under her breath as she pulls out the album out

No dust here, I come often to look at this but typically its in bad times

I draw on my experiences this day as they are true to my heart

They ground me, keep me sane

“Please don’t” the wind whispers and she opens the page…

 

A million paper cuts

I keep playing them over and over in my head. Yes brain let’s rehash how fucking stupid I am and how much he hates me while I try and keep from killing myself… great idea. Fuck, this train won’t stop at a station so one more time from the top…

We were mid conversation again, what happened? You just looked at your phone and then walked away. I just asked you a question, did you not want to answer it? I must be annoying him, just let it be.

I love you… but no response. Everytime you say this in bed with him you feel this way, why do you do it? Clearly he doesn’t want to, and you keep pushing it. He loves you, he doesn’t need to always respond… but why doesn’t he? In this most intimate moment? Its because he doesn’t feel the same way and those moments are the most honest.

When he was standing there was he intentionally ignoring me when I asked if he would marry me again? And why? Or did he just not hear me? I swear he was looking at me, but not for sure. Damn.

The heavy sigh, the eye rolls, the frowns… are those for me? They come after that sweet smile and a blown kiss, but are they meant for me? Is that him saying “ugh, this bitch”, or showing me how tired he is of me?

The universe is a shitty place that has no grand master plan, he’s the love of my life but clearly you’re not the love of his. He’s just here because you’re alone. You have no one but him and his friends and he’s staying with you out of pity. He’s afraid you will kill yourself if he leaves, or feels bad that you’ll truly be alone. No family, no friends…

… so there is no one, I truly am just a burden for him to carry, I am a burden to many but at least I have walked away from most of them. The easiest thing to do would be to leave this earth as quietly as you came into it. Give him his freedom and give it to yourself too… you’ll be doing both of you a favor.

The world will be better with you not in it, you are making it impossible for his true love to find him because you are being selfish. Your mental illness should have killed you years ago leaving him ready to find “the one”, the person who can save him. He will have the money and the house, he can still get the tribe together. He’ll have so much to write, he’ll be free, everyone will be better off, and all I have to do is finally give into the voice.

Death by a million paper cuts sounds like a dream…

 

#MeToo

It’s dark, it smells like weed, and I don’t want to be there.

I’m in the basement with not just your door locked, but also the door to your bedroom

You’re watching what I think are cartoons and tell me to pay attention

I look back and your hand is in your pants and you’re mad

“Turn around!”

I turn around and don’t remember anything else.

***

It’s too hot to sleep up stairs in the bedrooms, only grandma has AC in her room

We sleep in the dining room on the floor, there is an AC there too

I recall the smell and taste of your cigarette stained tongue in my mouth

I dry heave, and then vomit

You tell your mom that I’m sick

I wake up on the floor in grandma’s room

I don’t recall how I got there

***

You lay your full grown up body on top on me and kiss me

I cry to be let go, I scream, I’m crushed and clawing to be free

I yell that your breath stinks, you blow in my face and lick me

I’m told “that’s family you have to be nice to family”

I lay there and take it… this happens weekly

***

I overhear a doctor tell my mom I need another urine specimen

I should not have results like this one, that would have to be in pain

They ask if I’m sexually active, I’m 8, I’m not

Jokes on them, I’d been complaining of pain and they have been ignoring it

I get an antibiotic, a lesson wiping correctly, making sure I wash my hands before and after the bathroom

I have my first UTI, I get them a lot until I get my first period

I don’t get my next one until I do become sexually active

***

Mood swings, suicide, eating disorders, drug use, anti-social behavior, self harm

Teenagers can be unpredictable, but I am violent and angry

Doctors say there must be some trauma, parents say no

They tell them I’m “just dramatic” and looking for attention

I’m told I have an overactive imagination, and I’m reminded that I’m lucky

***

 

Sex is complicated, fun, and guilt ridden

Emotional consistency is shit

I rock and sway, I sometimes recall terrible feelings with smells

… but no visual

I avoid my family as much as I can, but say “I’m all about my family”

I am a walking contradiction

The part of me that is strong and moved on

and the part of me that is still hiding in the shadows

I will never stop trying to remember all that happened to me

But I am okay knowing just this:

Whatever happened, it wasn’t right, I didn’t deserve it, and it wasn’t my fault.

Death by car

Focused on the page but unable to write, just rerunning the occurrence of the day. I was almost killed today, nothing for real, just an accident avoided. Yet here I am, replaying it over and over for my mind to relive the adrenalin rush and punish myself. Anxiety and depression are feeding this mental block so I guess let’s write this out and maybe I can move on…

The truck, car, I play it over and over. I die a million different ways, in a million different scenarios. Sometimes people miss me, and sometimes I think it’s a blessing to them. I wonder just how much better off the people in my life would be if I just walked away. The burden of my life should not be falling on those I love…

Then when you think it can’t get worse, I think of my spouse in my place. I think about losing him and what I would do. I break in a way I don’t have words for and I start to cry. I imagine a life minus those that I love, and I now wish only for the accident earlier today to have been fatal so that I don’t have to hurt like this every night anymore….

and all I wanted to do was write.

Night terrors

Try to write but can’t… the anxiety monster has claws in my brain today and it’s now impossible to write or think of anything but this terror. So I lay back and welcome you to my Anxiety Corner, where I drop all the irrational anxious musings that keep me from life.

You’re the reason, it’s your fault

You’re not good enough

Apologize, again apologize

There is something inherently wrong with you

You don’t deserve to be happy

You can’t be trusted, You’re wrong

See that look, that looks says they are disappointed in you

The eye roll, the deep sigh,

you’re a piece of shit in their eyes

Ignore the touch, ignore their words, focus on the negative

You know they are just going to leave you

Everyone is going to leave you, you don’t deserve them

You are broken, you are a bad person, You should be alone

Here is a list of all the mistakes you’ve made…

Rinse and repeat until you fall asleep,

wake up feeling like shit tomorrow morning.

Missing you…

One of the terrible things that happens when you start to shed layer upon layer of a person you don’t want to be, for the person you truly are underneath, is you lose people. I have lost a very best friend, a mother, a sister, a step-father, and countless acquaintances… all after the loss of my grandmother to her passing.

So when you find yourself alone, and in flux, with little to hold onto and few to reach out to, you look with in for the first time. You search your soul for the missing answers, you find your own unadulterated opinions. You find out your true feelings without the input of others and their expectations.

Now that would be great if we were solitary creatures, but we are not. We are pack animals, we crave connection and many of mine are now gone. I come to this point and realize that I miss these people. I miss having them in my sphere to talk to, to bounce ideas off… but more and more I realize I don’t miss them specifically, I miss the connections.

Mostly… there is one person whom I do miss with all my heart. However, I cannot even begin to mend that relationship right now. She is so far gone down a path I cannot follow her on any more. She is someone I don’t know now, and I am as well. I hope she will one day see that I just wanted the best for her, and that I was too hurt by it all to go on with her.

It’s terrible to say I don’t miss my family at all… I hesitate to even write that but it’s true. I’ve been more like their parent than a member of the family so at this point it’s like a vacation for me… which I imagine is an even worse sentiment. However, I have made it a point to be transparent here, warts and all so there it is.

I keep my eyes peeled for like minded souls, I keep those that are still involved close to to my heart, and I keep an open mind at all times. People, like circumstances, are ever evolving. Change is constant, and one day these people might start down the path that leads to you, and you want to be there to light the way.

I miss you, I see you, and I’ll keep the lights on.

 

 

In memory of Anthony…

How does one go on when the ideal you held… when the person you aspire to become one day, does the unthinkable?

I was hoping to be “like” him someday, I looked up to his wit, his writing, and his sense of humor.

I thought if I could just hang on, I can get that far… but what are we hanging on for?

I see so many suicides, so many people who have lost the struggle with themselves… it has mattered not station or situation, the outcome has been the same.

I sit here in tears for a lost soul that I didn’t know personally, but makes me think.

What makes me so special to think I will be able to beat this monster?

What makes me think that my life will not end the way his did?

Nothing…

All signs point to an early check out.

All signs tell me that if my aspirational leaders can’t make it happen then what hope do I have?

I’m defeated today, in sadness and trust that tomorrow I can rage in hope and in your honor… but for now I mourn.

“As you move through this life and this world you change things slightly, you leave marks behind, however small. And in return, life —and travel — leaves marks on you. Most of the time, those marks — on your body or on your heart — are beautiful. Often, though, they hurt.” – Anthony Bourdain

 

 

From Savior to Villain

Have you ever hear the saying “You either die the Hero or you live long enough to become the Villain.”? Well I could write the book on that if we’re being honest.

I have been there for my family in ways one should not, I have covered up some of the most devious of actions for family members, ignored trespasses, and lived in my own personal hell for most of my life. Why? Because I was the Angel, the Saviour. I always was able to swoop in and save the day for everyone. It wasn’t just with the big stuff though, it was with everything. No matter how small or how large “Chrys” was there to save the day.

I know, in the story the hero sacrifices themself for the greater good and is exalted for it. Happy just to be able to help. But this is not that story and I have said many times this does not and will not have a fairy tale ending. In reality I am human, and I am a human who has gone through quite a bit of trauma. Someone who was in fact abused by family members, someone who has been used and thrown off to the side, and someone who ALWAYS made sure they did what they could to be there. Bent over backwards to step up and care for the family…

I know, Heros are not out for a thank you. They are selfless… and I tried to be. But again, I am not a super hero, I am a broken human being and from time to time I need some help too. Or just a little consideration? Or maybe just to not make my journey more difficult?

I know… it’s been a long time coming but it finally came. I ran out of steam. The hero buckled under the pressure of 25+ years of carrying the load on her shoulders. When she sacrificed LITERALLY everything, my marriage, my job, my savings, my home, my future happiness, all to “save the day”… she didn’t even have the family there by her side. She was alone. She set fire to the ruins and walked through it. She danced and let the fire baptize her. She learned to say No.

No… simple right? But when you’re used to hearing “don’t worry I will find a way”, No doesn’t make sense. It’s Cruel… or at least what I was told. That drawing the line in the sand and expecting grown ups to now act like grownups is Evil. How dare I let them down? How dare I ignore them? How dare I not help? How can I leave them in their time of need?

I’m evil, I’m now the Villain. Simply by putting up boundaries to try and fix my own life I have ruined thiers. I am the Evil Queen in the story of my family now… and if that is what they see then that must be what I am to them right now. But just remember that there are two sides to every story. One day I will get to write my own “Wicked” or “Maleficent” for all to see. So the world will know I wasn’t always this bad guy… and that I am capable of heroic acts.

I was the hero in your story, now it’s time for me to be the Hero in My Story…