Goodbye Letters

*Trigger Warning* I am safe, but these letters can invoke some sadness. Please be cautious if you are triggered by suicide.

To my Dearest Best Friend,

I moved away a long time ago, but this is the final time I message you. I will miss you, I hope that now your little family will keep you strong. My absence from your life will not be felt long, please love that little man more than anyone else in the world.

You were someone whom I could really trust, and I think the only person who never let me down. I will always remember the kindness and love you showed me. I treasure all that you did and am thankful I had someone in my life like you.

Sincerely,

Me

 

To my Mom,

I hope the money you put before all of us keeps you warm now that I am gone. You were not there for me like we needed, you let me fall, and treated me like a Parent rather than the child. I loved you so much, I thought we would be friends one day, but your actions during Grandma’s transition and passing showed me otherwise. I hope you wake up and realize before it’s too late for Ash and James… you need to step up and be a better mom.

Sincerely,

Angel Face

 

To my Siblings,

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you, I’m sorry I was such a bad sister. I tried to be mom and sister for you guys but it never really worked out the way I wanted it to. I love you both, and you were one of the only reasons I hung on as long as I did. I hope that this gives mom and Mike the wake up they need to be there for you like they should be.

Remember, you are stronger than I am. You can and will make it… just hang onto each other.  Stay in each other’s corner. Help each other.

Sincerely,

Me

 

To my Spouse,

I release you from your ties to my awfulness. You have stayed with me through the worst and while I wish I could say it was enough to make me stay. In the end it was this that made me walk away. I truly feel like nothing more than a burden to you. That you are staying with me out of pity, or just out of boredom. I feel like your heart has been elsewhere since Mike’s passing and I am too far gone to reach it.

Either all these things were true, or I am really that crazy… and we know the answer to that. So I’m doing you this favor. You’re sadness will be short and will bring a creative wave that will launch that career you want. Your friends will gather and help you through this time, and your true love will finally arrive.

I Loved you with everything I had, till the last breath of my body. I wish I was stronger, I wish I was the one, I wish that this pain was fixable… but none of that is true. I am too broken to be Loved the way I Love you. Thank you for everything.

Sincerely,

Chrysalis

 

 

A million paper cuts

I keep playing them over and over in my head. Yes brain let’s rehash how fucking stupid I am and how much he hates me while I try and keep from killing myself… great idea. Fuck, this train won’t stop at a station so one more time from the top…

We were mid conversation again, what happened? You just looked at your phone and then walked away. I just asked you a question, did you not want to answer it? I must be annoying him, just let it be.

I love you… but no response. Everytime you say this in bed with him you feel this way, why do you do it? Clearly he doesn’t want to, and you keep pushing it. He loves you, he doesn’t need to always respond… but why doesn’t he? In this most intimate moment? Its because he doesn’t feel the same way and those moments are the most honest.

When he was standing there was he intentionally ignoring me when I asked if he would marry me again? And why? Or did he just not hear me? I swear he was looking at me, but not for sure. Damn.

The heavy sigh, the eye rolls, the frowns… are those for me? They come after that sweet smile and a blown kiss, but are they meant for me? Is that him saying “ugh, this bitch”, or showing me how tired he is of me?

The universe is a shitty place that has no grand master plan, he’s the love of my life but clearly you’re not the love of his. He’s just here because you’re alone. You have no one but him and his friends and he’s staying with you out of pity. He’s afraid you will kill yourself if he leaves, or feels bad that you’ll truly be alone. No family, no friends…

… so there is no one, I truly am just a burden for him to carry, I am a burden to many but at least I have walked away from most of them. The easiest thing to do would be to leave this earth as quietly as you came into it. Give him his freedom and give it to yourself too… you’ll be doing both of you a favor.

The world will be better with you not in it, you are making it impossible for his true love to find him because you are being selfish. Your mental illness should have killed you years ago leaving him ready to find “the one”, the person who can save him. He will have the money and the house, he can still get the tribe together. He’ll have so much to write, he’ll be free, everyone will be better off, and all I have to do is finally give into the voice.

Death by a million paper cuts sounds like a dream…

 

Death by car

Focused on the page but unable to write, just rerunning the occurrence of the day. I was almost killed today, nothing for real, just an accident avoided. Yet here I am, replaying it over and over for my mind to relive the adrenalin rush and punish myself. Anxiety and depression are feeding this mental block so I guess let’s write this out and maybe I can move on…

The truck, car, I play it over and over. I die a million different ways, in a million different scenarios. Sometimes people miss me, and sometimes I think it’s a blessing to them. I wonder just how much better off the people in my life would be if I just walked away. The burden of my life should not be falling on those I love…

Then when you think it can’t get worse, I think of my spouse in my place. I think about losing him and what I would do. I break in a way I don’t have words for and I start to cry. I imagine a life minus those that I love, and I now wish only for the accident earlier today to have been fatal so that I don’t have to hurt like this every night anymore….

and all I wanted to do was write.

Night terrors

Try to write but can’t… the anxiety monster has claws in my brain today and it’s now impossible to write or think of anything but this terror. So I lay back and welcome you to my Anxiety Corner, where I drop all the irrational anxious musings that keep me from life.

You’re the reason, it’s your fault

You’re not good enough

Apologize, again apologize

There is something inherently wrong with you

You don’t deserve to be happy

You can’t be trusted, You’re wrong

See that look, that looks says they are disappointed in you

The eye roll, the deep sigh,

you’re a piece of shit in their eyes

Ignore the touch, ignore their words, focus on the negative

You know they are just going to leave you

Everyone is going to leave you, you don’t deserve them

You are broken, you are a bad person, You should be alone

Here is a list of all the mistakes you’ve made…

Rinse and repeat until you fall asleep,

wake up feeling like shit tomorrow morning.

Becoming Me

I have been through hell and back in the last few months. I lost myself, my grandmother, my husband (almost, and maybe still), and the rest of my immediate family (save one sibling). Family secrets, trauma, bullshit, and the mourning process (both for my marriage and for my grandmother) shattered me. I fell completely to pieces… but I think that’s the only way I can put myself back together again.

I am on a journey with myself to myself, and I don’t really know where it will end. But I’m ready to go. I am in the Fuck off phase right now. Doing what I want for me and what I need. Trying to discover who I really am by doing what I want and not what others expect from me for the first time.

This is both terrifying and elating all at the same time. I hope the flames burning around me keep me warm on the cold nights ahead. The only thing I know is all signs point to being at the beginning of the process… I’ve got a long way to go before I am me.

Let’s go!

In memory of Anthony…

How does one go on when the ideal you held… when the person you aspire to become one day, does the unthinkable?

I was hoping to be “like” him someday, I looked up to his wit, his writing, and his sense of humor.

I thought if I could just hang on, I can get that far… but what are we hanging on for?

I see so many suicides, so many people who have lost the struggle with themselves… it has mattered not station or situation, the outcome has been the same.

I sit here in tears for a lost soul that I didn’t know personally, but makes me think.

What makes me so special to think I will be able to beat this monster?

What makes me think that my life will not end the way his did?

Nothing…

All signs point to an early check out.

All signs tell me that if my aspirational leaders can’t make it happen then what hope do I have?

I’m defeated today, in sadness and trust that tomorrow I can rage in hope and in your honor… but for now I mourn.

“As you move through this life and this world you change things slightly, you leave marks behind, however small. And in return, life —and travel — leaves marks on you. Most of the time, those marks — on your body or on your heart — are beautiful. Often, though, they hurt.” – Anthony Bourdain

 

 

There is only before this, and after this

There is a time when one is so destroyed by something, that they believe there is nothing worth living for. If you had asked me a year ago, what my biggest fears were I would have a very short, precise list.

  1. Bees/Needles
  2. Losing my husband
  3. The death of my Grandma
  4. Disappointing my family
  5. Not succeeding at work

I’d like to think this would be similar to most things 30 somethings fear, the normal things I obsess about (other than my neurotic anxious obsessions). Let’s save those “others” for another post if anyone ends up interested. If any one of these had happened, the old me would have just taken a knee, given up on life and lost herself in depression. And I did, for a while. And I still do, every now and then. But I’m ALIVE.

In the last 6 months 2-6 have come true, I have in less than a year lost everything I hold dear. I have shed multiple layers of expectations, fears, and discovered a new person under here. Still broken, still battered, but stronger. Any one of these scenarios could have brought be over the edge, but all of them together? Okay all but one, still have not been stung and haven’t had a shot in years.

I saw a meme or  saying on Facebook,  that stated essentially that there are events in one’s life that are so big, that they are used as markers. There is only before, and after this event. Like AD to BC. Like caterpillar to butterfly. I am in Chrysalis… there will only be before this time, and after this time. When I finish my regrowth I shall be a new person, I already have a new list of fears…

  1. Bees/Needles
  2. Not finding my true self
  3. Letting Fear hold me back
  4. Death

Now time to get to work. My first order of business? Explaining how I got here, so I can figure out where I am going.

 

The Last Ride

Today I’ll pick you up, much lighter than before.

I’ll bring you to your daughter, my mother’s, for the last time.

I’ll say the goodbye I always dreaded, yet prepared for since my adolescence.

I imagine what you’d say if you could still speak, what complaints you’d have.

I know I’ll be broken, but it will be worth the ride.

See you on the other side.

Apologies

Hello all, I have been absent for quite some time. I have not even yet found the words to express, but I feel I owe some explanation as to why and how all my posts just ceased.

In addition to losing my husband’s Love last year, we took in my Grandmother to care for her as she was no longer able to care for herself alone. In January she we had learned that we would need to put her in a home, and began the long process. While working through those plans, she got very ill, was hospitalized, and then passed away late last week.

I am very broken, and have not even had the time to care for myself properly let alone carve out time to write. I promise I will be back with a vengeance, possibly under a new name.

Thank you all for following me so far, and I hope you are all still here when I am well enough to make my return.

 

Hanging in the air and dying

“I Love you” she says

The moment is quiet

She touches you, you move under her touch and still nothing

No answer as the words linger there

Like summer humidity in the room

They stay, they do not fall like so many others to the floor.

Still there it hangs

Unanswered and decomposing

She can feel the destruction her chest growing with each second of silence

Unable to speak under the pressure

Frozen in place by the gravity of it all

Smelling the decomposition and feeling the slow death as the moment passes.