Today I’ll pick you up, much lighter than before.
I’ll bring you to your daughter, my mother’s, for the last time.
I’ll say the goodbye I always dreaded, yet prepared for since my adolescence.
I imagine what you’d say if you could still speak, what complaints you’d have.
I know I’ll be broken, but it will be worth the ride.
See you on the other side.
Hello all, I have been absent for quite some time. I have not even yet found the words to express, but I feel I owe some explanation as to why and how all my posts just ceased.
In addition to losing my husband’s Love last year, we took in my Grandmother to care for her as she was no longer able to care for herself alone. In January she we had learned that we would need to put her in a home, and began the long process. While working through those plans, she got very ill, was hospitalized, and then passed away late last week.
I am very broken, and have not even had the time to care for myself properly let alone carve out time to write. I promise I will be back with a vengeance, possibly under a new name.
Thank you all for following me so far, and I hope you are all still here when I am well enough to make my return.
I don’t know if I can trust my gut right now, but I’m hanging on it’s every emotion. We move forward under the guise of “don’t give up on giving up”, but knowing he is willing to try. I am happy to just have that shred of hope, and I try not to let my anxiety get the best of me… but how can you not?
When he told me for the first time that he wasn’t in love with me anymore I was shocked. I knew he was unhappy, but this was not what I was expecting. I thought it was True Love, and I knew that we would make it back to where we began. We had always said that as long as neither of us was ready to give up at the same time, that we would make it to forever. When one of us is down and out, the other would pick them up. Damn it, that was what I planned to do.
Now there were good days, bad days, and terrible days. Like in life no two are the same, but you see patterns. Was my love blinding me to how bad things were for him? Or was I too focused elsewhere to notice? Ugh… would be helpful to know now that I am over analyzing every tick of his brow. Every sigh, every touch, every text, call, and gesture worked and reworked in my mind.
I see it there, that love, that smile. There are moments when I know for sure he’s going to look at me like that all the time. Not just in that moment. I know deep in my heart that the man I fell in love with is in there and can see me again. In all my manic glory, in my sudden sadness, in my nervousness. We laugh and joke, chase each other like children, play games and converse for hours. When we lay in bed together and cuddle, when he pulls me in close for a kiss… it’s been a while since he’s done that and I fall all over again.
Then, maybe even seconds later, it’s gone… or maybe not? Did he just break my gaze to look way? Is he avoiding my touch? Did he just pull away to get away from me? Am I reading to far into this? Or not far enough? Is that love I see for real? For me? Or something my sick brain is creating to shield me from the pain of losing him?
It is impossible to force someone to feel something they don’t
It is impossible to make someone treat you the way you want them to
It is impossible to force a round peg into a square hole
It is impossible to save this marriage
It is impossible for you to make him happy
It is impossible that you are “the one”
It is impossible to get over him
It is impossible to move on and remarry
It is impossible to force yourself be happy alone
It is impossible to change the way you treat him
It is impossible to make him feel what you feel