Read When You Feel Unworthy

Remember the time you drove all the way to Rhode Island, in a blizzard, just to see me?

Remember the times you helped me when I cried over school?

Remember the time you helped me through a panic attack before a big project?

Remember the time you dropped to one knee and gave me a huge sapphire?

Remember the times you carried me financially?

Remember the time you gave me your car so I could get back to school?

Remember the time you took me to DR and got to meet Lynette and her family?

Remember the time you encouranged me to meet my father?

Remember the times you lifted me up when I felt insignificant?

Remember the times you forgave me for hurting you?

Remember the times you helped me move?

Remember the time you purchased a bed with me?

Remember the times you wiped away my tears?

Remember the time you stood up to your family for me?

Remember the times you rescued me from not having a car?

Remember the time you forgave me for fucking up your scion?

Remember the time I broke your heart and you still forgave me?

Remember the time you came over to take care of me?

Remember the times I tried to push you away and you stayed by my side?

Remember the times you let me come over to get away from my family?

Remember the times you reminded me that I have friends and I am worthy of love?

Remember the times I hit you and you still forgave me?

Remember the times when you Loved me and I couldn’t love myself?

Remember the times we went to weddings and felt truly blessed?

Remember the time I stalked you and you still let me in?

Remember the times you wrote to and about me?

Remember the times you dropped everything to be with me?

Remember the time you asked me to be the luckiest woman on the E-arth?

Remember the time you let me plan a big wedding, even though you didn’t want one?

Remember the time you moved across the country to start a new life with me?

Remember the times you worked an awful job to help me pay for our wedding?

Remember the time our family cheered when we got married?

Remember the time you took me to the doctor after I split my lip?

Remember the time your best friend visited my grandma?

Remember the time you took me to Springfield?

Remember the time when you let me use our tax return to pay off the credit card?

Remember the time you stayed in that apartment so we could buy our dream home?

Remember the times you made me feel Loved and secure?

Remember the times you supported my biological family?

Remember the time I almost killed us in the car?

Remember the time you encouraged me to take her in?

Remember the times you helped me talk about my abuse?

Remember the time when you didn’t judge me for my mistakes?

Remember the time you gave me a chance to Love you?

Remember the time I crumbled in your arms at the loss of my grandma?

Remember the times you supported me even though we were planning to separate?

Remember the times you held me when I cried?

Remember the times you arranged for dinner when I was too sad or sick?

Remember the time you stood up and protested with me?

Remember the time you took me to 417 to leave a piece of grammy there?

Remember the times you helped me not puke?

Remember the times I did and you were still there?

Remember the time we first talked about practicing?

Remember the time you forgot how amazing you were, and I told you I would write you a “short” list of reasons to remember?

 

Insomnia

Mommy loves daddy

But daddy doesn’t love mommy that way

She keeps him prisoner

Holding obligation over his head like and anvil

Any moment he could walk

At any moment that weight can crash down

Why do I force you to stay

Where I know your heart is not

Why do I feel this

When you clearly feel it for her

Who is happier, you or I

Sometimes I fear it’s only on mine

Teardrops

There once were two lovers

The kind you read of

Perfectly imperfect for each other

But the world was cruel

It turned passionate rain-drenched kisses

Into desperate tearsoaked fits

Where once two great loves stood

Now only cowered a broken soul

Beware fairytale creatures

Not all endings are happy

Even if the love is true

Brunch

He climbs into her car and inhales her sweet body splash. The adrenaline rush from sneaking around makes them both shake as they embrace.

“We have to leave, we can’t stay here she’s shopping nearby. Let’s go.”

The driver takes off to the motel as he pulls together the cash he carefully squirreled away without his wife’s notice. They only have a few hours together and can’t waste a second, so the typical area traffic makes them both even edgier.

“Two hours please” she says as they grab the room key. The place is what you expect, a shitty roadside motel. The kind of place built for affairs and day hookers.

The room itself is gross but they don’t care. They have been talking, dreaming, writing about this moment for over a year and won’t let anything ruin it. It’s not about the room, their spouses, or anything else other than their own passion and desire.

The hours fly by as they entwine themselves with reckless abandon. Not a care in the world as they shower off the stench of their betrayal. He texts his wife as they leave and head to the diner for their cover story.

They cuddle up in a booth, play footsie, kiss, and chat. Relive the memory of their deepest darkest secret, the one they will take to the grave. He knows her husband won’t stand for this, even if caught he’ll deny this ever happened. He must protect her and this at all costs, even if it means he loses his wife, he cares not.

No one will ever know the details, even they will have different versions of the same stolen moments. However I like to think that the reality of the story, is far more scandalous than I could ever dream up.

Glass Shards

It was like a slow motion replay

I knew the bullet was coming

I could see it in the distance and yet I did not move

I felt the words on your lips before they passed through them

I knew the answer to the question before I even asked it

and yet still I am shattered

Still this glass heart broke into tiny shards

When you think it can’t be more broken

Just when you think the light is coming

That is when you realize that the light was not the end

but merely the eye of this terrible storm

Hang on tight my dear,

this is going to be a big one.

If I never get better

What if, it never gets better. What if this is all there is? Can I learn to accept that I might never feel better? I might never feel worthy or worth it, I might always feel like a burden. Though this happens less, it still happens. Dealing with my trauma and healing from it makes it wax and wane, but it’s always there.

It’s there in the smile that I missed, in the kind words I didn’t hear. The feeling has nothing to do with my actual worth, and more to do with my illness, but still it remains. As I heal it can get better, but the truth it it’s like any recovery: it’s forever. No matter how good a handle you think you have on it, the universe finds ways to throw you that curve ball.

So I ask myself again, can you live with yourself? Can I go on forever knowing that I will always have this feeling that I am not good enough. That I may never believe anyone will love me unconditionally? That because I don’t have the ability to trust myself, I won’t be able to trust others? What if this is who I am now?

It’s not, right? It’s not because even as I go back now and look at my writing the weak caterpillar, yes woman, blinded by success and money is no longer there. I’m in flux, I am changing, I am capable of change… and I have to see that. If I am ever to break free from this cocoon I must remember a few things:

  1. The only constant is that everything changes
  2. That recovery is forever but it gets easier with time
  3. The time it takes for you to grow is the time it takes, it cannot be rushed or forced
  4. Before you can feel unconditional love from another, you need to have it for yourself
  5. I am a flawed human and will make mistakes
  6. That in the cocoon only at the very beginning and the very end do you know what you are
  7. The in between is just messy goo, self digested and ready for rebuilding
  8. Until I can digest all that was, I will not be able to start putting it back together

Back to eating shit for a while I guess… but hope renewed. Even if I never feel better, I will at some point learn to love and forgive myself for issues that will come up. That I will learn from them and move on. And that even if my trauma wins, I have already done so much good work, and so much good for others, that I should be proud.

If I can learn to have half the compassion that I have for others, for myself, then I am going to make it. You will too.

 

 

Daddy Dearest

To my Dearest Father,

Where were you? I needed you.

Your absence in my life has caused me more paid than I can even begin to explain. I  know I have said over and over again I didn’t need you, but that was never true. I was trained from birth to be strong, to be independent, to not show weakness. I had to create a brick wall around myself and my feelings. I became so strong I was made of stone. No one came in, nothing mattered. I could cut anyone out at any time and never let anyone know I needed them. Why? Because I don’t know how to need someone, I don’t know how to trust. I needed my father to show me what love from a man looked like, and without that I became hollow inside.

I was abused by my uncle for as long as I can recall. I developed an eating disorder at 9, and lied my way through middle school. I allowed a boyfriend to beat me. I allowed myself to be assaulted by an older male boss in high school. I was groomed by a much older man from when I was 15. I was drugged in college and almost assaulted. I have abused others because I thought that was “love”, and let loved ones abuse me thinking I deserved it. I am broken from what happened to me and having no one to talk to. I never had a male figure in my life I could trust and so I never learned that men were trustworthy. I self sabotaged my marriage and every relationship I had because “all men will leave you in the end”.

I became very good at wearing a mask of independence and strength. I had to learn to turn off my emotions, otherwise I would have crumbled. I had very strong female role models, but none to show me what love and trust really look like. I missed the bond that every girl craves, and by the time a semi-solid male figure showed up I was already well trained to not NEED a man… so I didn’t let him in either. I don’t blame you for what happened to me, nor do I blame my family. It’s MY story, it’s part of who I am… but it’s not who I am anymore. I have been working really hard in the last two years since taking over my Grandmother’s care and I want you to know.

I want you to know that it did hurt me to not have you. It hurt every time I thought you would show up, and didn’t. It hurt me to watch you blame my mom, my aunts, and everyone else but yourself that we didn’t have a relationship. You need to know at the end of the day, that was on you. You could have made it happen, you were my father. You knew where I lived, you knew my grandmother loved you, and you knew my mom worked. You could have come come for me… I wish you did. I wish you were at my wedding, I wish I could have have that moment. I didn’t need you to give me away, but I needed to know a father’s love before entering into a lifelong commitment. It hurt my heart that you didn’t even send a card or a note. You didn’t even acknowledge the biggest moment in my life. I didn’t need you there, but I wanted you there. I never said that to anyone because I thought it would make me look weak, and I was never that on the outside.

But I am on the inside, I’m still that little girl who didn’t get to have her daddy in her life. Father daughter dances make me crumble. I cry and I can’t stop it. Every wedding I go to reminds me that I’m still without that love. I hate that this makes me look weak, and I don’t want people to know but I have to get it out or I won’t heal… and that’s what I’m trying to do. I’m growing now. Now that I am free from the chains that tie me to my abuse and my abusive thoughts I am becoming a woman… and I forgive myself and I forgive you. I know you did the best you could with what you had. That you were broken too and just child yourself then. I understand why, and while I wish it wasn’t true, it is.

I never showed you how grateful I was for the times you were there. For the car, for inviting me into your home, and giving me another extended family. I didn’t know how to react to it then, but I am thankful for it now. While neither of us can go back and fix the past, I need you to know that it hurt me. I need you to know what it did to me, and that I’m sorry I hurt you, and that I hope all can be forgiven, even if it will never be forgotten or fixed. I need to me able to move on with my life and I can’t without getting it out.

I don’t know if we’ll ever be close, I don’t know if my sisters will ever be friends of mine. It’s the situation and decisions you made in the beginning, but we both made in the end that brought us here. I hope you can take responsibility for your decisions, as I have for mine. I hope that knowing that frees you a little bit too. I love you dad, even if I’ll never really be able to show you the way you want to see it. And now I know you love me, even though you may never show me the way I want you to. You hurt me, but I can now see beauty in the darkness and pain. It made me who I am today, and while I’m still a work in progress I am proud of what I’ve done so far.

Love,

The Daughter (you left behind)