One day it all falls down
the ones who held you up, will hold you down
the ones you thought family will reveal as abusers
love will shift and the ones who you thought gone
One day you will wake up
in the world where your worst nightmares are true
but you find yourself not leaping off the mortal coil
but glimpsing at freedom for the very first time
Mental health and trauma can affect you in ways one would never expect. Where once I thought it had the best “intuition” on the block, now I see that my negativity and anxiety were creating the perfect environment for my worst fears. But still, I was right!? So was it my mind creating the negative outcome or was it my amazing intuition?
Well? Do you know the answer? Because I am faced for the first time with the inability to determine what is my amazing instincts kicking in… and what is my anxiety and self-doubt sabotaging me?
I knew that moving forward in my mental health would cause a ripple effect through my entire life, but I thought once I settled into therapy I would start to feel better pretty instantly. And, well I guess I started too… but now that we are unpacking boxes with the words PTSD on them it’s starting to get messier.
PTSD can mess with your brain in a number of ways, but one of them is that it creates coping mechanisms in order for you to move forward. Two of mine I struggle with the most are Hyper Anxiety/Obsessive Thoughts and simple avoidance. If you have ever been one who prays, or does visualizations, or even just tries to put good karma out there, you know how energy works. You understand the power of thoughts and intentions… so riddle me this:
At what point do you go from intuition, to allowing your HA & OTs to create the energy/environment for your worst fears to come true? How do I begin to trust the voice in my head when I don’t even know if that’s my instinct or the PTSD talking? What if they are one in the same?
Retraining your brain to new pathways in tough, and reviewing gut instincts for backup documentation is even tougher right now… but I refuse to just tap out. If I have to run each gut check through the paces then that is what I will do. I just wish I had more answers right now than questions.
When she was twisting my mind
Why didn’t you stop her
When she was calling me fat?
When I was slut slammed?
You let me fall
You acquiesce my life to her servitude
Why didn’t you see what she was doing?
When I begged you and pleaded with my life
When I said I couldn’t do it alone
You said you would be there
You said you would help
But it was never meant to be
You didn’t do anymore than was easy
You left me holding the bag
You left me with a few hours every other week
Just a few hours, you made seem like a chore
For my life, for the life of my marriage
But neither moved you to action…
Where were you?