8-25-18

Today I celebrate us, the messy conglomerate of experiences that is the Doodles.

The ass kicking, shit eating, ridiculousness that started with “Who’s your Doodle?”

The “yent he’s busy”, long distance, hot mess that come after.

The I Love you more, “Decembering”,  coupling that moved back to Jersey.

The Axis Lounge, drink spilling, show attending ride or die friends.

The heartbreaking, sneaky, asshole cheaters who acted all types of wrong.

The “Oh you do that too”, fat kids, in a cloud of weed smoke peeps trying to do better.

The shit, piss or get off the pot, House watching guys who needed a change.

The I Love you again, you’re my everything, engaged couple that took a huge chance.

The workaholic, hot summer, frazzled team who got married on that beach.

The SC living, Family rescuing, 4 legged parents who burned themselves out.

The certifiably crazy, the-rapies session having, self improvers who refused to give in.

The I love you still, Tribe starters, who are now true partners…

The Doodles.

A million paper cuts

I keep playing them over and over in my head. Yes brain let’s rehash how fucking stupid I am and how much he hates me while I try and keep from killing myself… great idea. Fuck, this train won’t stop at a station so one more time from the top…

We were mid conversation again, what happened? You just looked at your phone and then walked away. I just asked you a question, did you not want to answer it? I must be annoying him, just let it be.

I love you… but no response. Everytime you say this in bed with him you feel this way, why do you do it? Clearly he doesn’t want to, and you keep pushing it. He loves you, he doesn’t need to always respond… but why doesn’t he? In this most intimate moment? Its because he doesn’t feel the same way and those moments are the most honest.

When he was standing there was he intentionally ignoring me when I asked if he would marry me again? And why? Or did he just not hear me? I swear he was looking at me, but not for sure. Damn.

The heavy sigh, the eye rolls, the frowns… are those for me? They come after that sweet smile and a blown kiss, but are they meant for me? Is that him saying “ugh, this bitch”, or showing me how tired he is of me?

The universe is a shitty place that has no grand master plan, he’s the love of my life but clearly you’re not the love of his. He’s just here because you’re alone. You have no one but him and his friends and he’s staying with you out of pity. He’s afraid you will kill yourself if he leaves, or feels bad that you’ll truly be alone. No family, no friends…

… so there is no one, I truly am just a burden for him to carry, I am a burden to many but at least I have walked away from most of them. The easiest thing to do would be to leave this earth as quietly as you came into it. Give him his freedom and give it to yourself too… you’ll be doing both of you a favor.

The world will be better with you not in it, you are making it impossible for his true love to find him because you are being selfish. Your mental illness should have killed you years ago leaving him ready to find “the one”, the person who can save him. He will have the money and the house, he can still get the tribe together. He’ll have so much to write, he’ll be free, everyone will be better off, and all I have to do is finally give into the voice.

Death by a million paper cuts sounds like a dream…

 

#MeToo

It’s dark, it smells like weed, and I don’t want to be there.

I’m in the basement with not just your door locked, but also the door to your bedroom

You’re watching what I think are cartoons and tell me to pay attention

I look back and your hand is in your pants and you’re mad

“Turn around!”

I turn around and don’t remember anything else.

***

It’s too hot to sleep up stairs in the bedrooms, only grandma has AC in her room

We sleep in the dining room on the floor, there is an AC there too

I recall the smell and taste of your cigarette stained tongue in my mouth

I dry heave, and then vomit

You tell your mom that I’m sick

I wake up on the floor in grandma’s room

I don’t recall how I got there

***

You lay your full grown up body on top on me and kiss me

I cry to be let go, I scream, I’m crushed and clawing to be free

I yell that your breath stinks, you blow in my face and lick me

I’m told “that’s family you have to be nice to family”

I lay there and take it… this happens weekly

***

I overhear a doctor tell my mom I need another urine specimen

I should not have results like this one, that would have to be in pain

They ask if I’m sexually active, I’m 8, I’m not

Jokes on them, I’d been complaining of pain and they have been ignoring it

I get an antibiotic, a lesson wiping correctly, making sure I wash my hands before and after the bathroom

I have my first UTI, I get them a lot until I get my first period

I don’t get my next one until I do become sexually active

***

Mood swings, suicide, eating disorders, drug use, anti-social behavior, self harm

Teenagers can be unpredictable, but I am violent and angry

Doctors say there must be some trauma, parents say no

They tell them I’m “just dramatic” and looking for attention

I’m told I have an overactive imagination, and I’m reminded that I’m lucky

***

 

Sex is complicated, fun, and guilt ridden

Emotional consistency is shit

I rock and sway, I sometimes recall terrible feelings with smells

… but no visual

I avoid my family as much as I can, but say “I’m all about my family”

I am a walking contradiction

The part of me that is strong and moved on

and the part of me that is still hiding in the shadows

I will never stop trying to remember all that happened to me

But I am okay knowing just this:

Whatever happened, it wasn’t right, I didn’t deserve it, and it wasn’t my fault.

Death by car

Focused on the page but unable to write, just rerunning the occurrence of the day. I was almost killed today, nothing for real, just an accident avoided. Yet here I am, replaying it over and over for my mind to relive the adrenalin rush and punish myself. Anxiety and depression are feeding this mental block so I guess let’s write this out and maybe I can move on…

The truck, car, I play it over and over. I die a million different ways, in a million different scenarios. Sometimes people miss me, and sometimes I think it’s a blessing to them. I wonder just how much better off the people in my life would be if I just walked away. The burden of my life should not be falling on those I love…

Then when you think it can’t get worse, I think of my spouse in my place. I think about losing him and what I would do. I break in a way I don’t have words for and I start to cry. I imagine a life minus those that I love, and I now wish only for the accident earlier today to have been fatal so that I don’t have to hurt like this every night anymore….

and all I wanted to do was write.

Night terrors

Try to write but can’t… the anxiety monster has claws in my brain today and it’s now impossible to write or think of anything but this terror. So I lay back and welcome you to my Anxiety Corner, where I drop all the irrational anxious musings that keep me from life.

You’re the reason, it’s your fault

You’re not good enough

Apologize, again apologize

There is something inherently wrong with you

You don’t deserve to be happy

You can’t be trusted, You’re wrong

See that look, that looks says they are disappointed in you

The eye roll, the deep sigh,

you’re a piece of shit in their eyes

Ignore the touch, ignore their words, focus on the negative

You know they are just going to leave you

Everyone is going to leave you, you don’t deserve them

You are broken, you are a bad person, You should be alone

Here is a list of all the mistakes you’ve made…

Rinse and repeat until you fall asleep,

wake up feeling like shit tomorrow morning.

Advice for a writer…

I know nothing about professional writing, and know even less about writing in a team. So why would I entertain the idea of writing with my newly reconciled husband?  Well honestly it’s just my gut telling me this is something we would enjoy doing together and I figured “how hard could it be?” Well we meet tomorrow to talk about our ideas and get finger to keyboard… but my anxiety is in overdrive and keeping my brain in a blocked state.

I’m pondering doing a sub-category of all this anxious mental gymnastics and dropping the thoughts/obsessions into their own pieces. I’m hoping if I write about it, the thoughts will go away. Or if they won’t, at least I have some material or some funny stories to tell.

So guys I need some help here, any advice on how to break up that block? What do you all do when the words won’t flow and the mind is stuck in 1st gear?

Phases of Becoming

So I recently read a little something out there that spoke to me, and I needed to share it with the world. It’s been the framework with which I am measuring my personal growth. It’s been accurate to a T as to what I’ve felt and how I’ve been moving through the phases. As I write this now I am in Phase 4: Lilith, and am anticipating a grand move to Phase 5: Witch. Since I’m writing a few things that reference this, I figured why not link to the original here and explain a little below?

Stage One: The beginning

Phase One: She

When you do what you’ve always done because you never bothered to question why. You live in your self created prison until you realise that you don’t have to. This is the moment you know that there is only before this moment and after this moment.

Phase Two: Becoming

Chrysalis… Simply me right now… stuck in the middle.

Stage Two: The burn down

Phase Three: Eve

Surrender to the process and the “fact finding” phase. I love research and I’m hungry for all the knowledge I can find.

Phase Four: Lilith

Dancing in the fire, yup… dancing around in the turmoil now. I still don’t KNOW things… but I am getting there. Discovery has been a “trial by fire” time and I embrace it fully.

Phase Five: Witch

There is a KNOWing that comes with this stage, and acting on that knowledge that I just can’t muster the strength for yet. But soon…

Stage Three: The birth

When you emerge with your knowledge as your true self.

Phase Six: Goddess

Time to show the world who you have become.

Phase Seven: Me

Enjoying your true self and teaching others.

As I begin my new set of positive affirmations, I hope to push what I have learned so far into forms of knowing. Being able to believe and know in my heart what I have found is true, and then being able to use that knowledge to affect the world around me is huge. I have never had control of my own life before, it has always been varying degrees of beholdenness to the ideas others pressed upon me… I can’t wait to be not just free but confident as well.

To me! Eventually…