What it was supposed to be, and what it is.

Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans, right? Well my first post was written BEFORE I knew my marriage was over, when I thought we were going to make it work. It’s unfinished, unedited, and now serves as nothing more than a reminder of my failure… my too little too late… the worst day of my life… my lost Love. I hope one day I can look back on all this and think of it as a beginning, rather than the end.

Wife Life

I sat down to write a piece on “How I learned not to sweat the small stuff” and ended up with no direction. I thought about how this piece would fit into the book and what I liked, wanted it to feel and sound like…. And came up with nothing. Maybe before you can write about a lesson, I need to know why I’m teaching it? So why am I teaching it?

I’m a 34 year old, married professional who gave her 20’s and early 30’s to her career… and almost lost her partner in the process. You hear all too often “life got in the way”, and it sounds like a cop out, but it’s true.

When we first married my goal was to be the best Wife and Worker EVER! Type A, older child, over achiever, self-proclaimed super woman (who don’t need no man)… shiiiiiiittttttt. I had this in the bag! I was focused in every which direction, but things eventually spun out of control. As my positions got more demanding of my time and efforts, I had to pull that energy from somewhere.

I slowly but surely siphoned time from my personal life to give to my work life, hoping that at some point I could move it back. For anyone who works in business, you know how that worked out.  Yea… it didn’t. I was working 60+ hours a week, I was preparing to take in my elderly grandmother, we were moving into our dream house, and my life began a full death spiral.

I failed. I failed myself, my husband, and my marriage. My partner, the man with whom I pledged to Love, Honor, and Cherish above all others was at the bottom of my list… ALWAYS. All the reasons I was “the best wife ever” had disappeared, and all my husband was left with was my salary to keep him warm. Something he never wanted in the first place…

The D word, yup, that’s come up from time to time but was never a real threat until something worse happened. My husband fell out of Love with me. The words literally broke my world apart. How did this happen? How did I not notice that the man I had been in Love with for years fall out of Love with me and I not notice? How did we sleep in the same bed, have sex, joke around, and function without me realizing the Love was gone? How was I looking into those eyes and seeing Love that wasn’t there for a WHOLE YEAR!

You guessed it, life got in the way. I lost focus on the one thing that mattered most to me in the whole world. And for what?  Money? A title? Material possessions? I would have traded it all away, and went millions into debt for that Love back. I failed, plain and simple. When I stopped hiding behind “how busy I was” I realized just how badly I fucked up. How many times I put everything else first, and him last.  I needed a hard Reset button, a do over, another chance… but I already got my second chance before we even got married.

He was planning to leave, honestly he still has one foot out the door, and still isn’t in Love with me. He has love for me, and loves me, but it’s not the same anymore. Due to our “unique” situation (which I will get into later), I was granted a final “Hail Mary”. I wanted him to see that I was already making moves in the right direction. I wanted him to see my changes and see who I really was, not what I had allowed myself to become.

Back to the beginning again, so why am I writing this? Well, my husband and I have been through IT ALL. We have always wanted to write a book, but never had the time. Bitch I ain’t got nothing but time for what WE want to do. I want to finally use my skills for what I intended them for, to help others. To help my friends and family, and to have fun with my best friend. So I am writing this for you, for me, for my marriage, and for fun.

I am not sure if I will be writing the chapter on divorce alone, or all the chapters alone. I don’t know if my husband will ever fall back in Love with me, or leave me. I don’t know anything except this: I am in Love with him, and our marriage is worth it.  I have never been so unsure of anything in my whole life, especially when it is attached to the only constant. Yet here I am…

 

 

Read When You Feel Unworthy

Remember the time you drove all the way to Rhode Island, in a blizzard, just to see me?

Remember the times you helped me when I cried over school?

Remember the time you helped me through a panic attack before a big project?

Remember the time you dropped to one knee and gave me a huge sapphire?

Remember the times you carried me financially?

Remember the time you gave me your car so I could get back to school?

Remember the time you took me to DR and got to meet Lynette and her family?

Remember the time you encouranged me to meet my father?

Remember the times you lifted me up when I felt insignificant?

Remember the times you forgave me for hurting you?

Remember the times you helped me move?

Remember the time you purchased a bed with me?

Remember the times you wiped away my tears?

Remember the time you stood up to your family for me?

Remember the times you rescued me from not having a car?

Remember the time you forgave me for fucking up your scion?

Remember the time I broke your heart and you still forgave me?

Remember the time you came over to take care of me?

Remember the times I tried to push you away and you stayed by my side?

Remember the times you let me come over to get away from my family?

Remember the times you reminded me that I have friends and I am worthy of love?

Remember the times I hit you and you still forgave me?

Remember the times when you Loved me and I couldn’t love myself?

Remember the times we went to weddings and felt truly blessed?

Remember the time I stalked you and you still let me in?

Remember the times you wrote to and about me?

Remember the times you dropped everything to be with me?

Remember the time you asked me to be the luckiest woman on the E-arth?

Remember the time you let me plan a big wedding, even though you didn’t want one?

Remember the time you moved across the country to start a new life with me?

Remember the times you worked an awful job to help me pay for our wedding?

Remember the time our family cheered when we got married?

Remember the time you took me to the doctor after I split my lip?

Remember the time your best friend visited my grandma?

Remember the time you took me to Springfield?

Remember the time when you let me use our tax return to pay off the credit card?

Remember the time you stayed in that apartment so we could buy our dream home?

Remember the times you made me feel Loved and secure?

Remember the times you supported my biological family?

Remember the time I almost killed us in the car?

Remember the time you encouraged me to take her in?

Remember the times you helped me talk about my abuse?

Remember the time when you didn’t judge me for my mistakes?

Remember the time you gave me a chance to Love you?

Remember the time I crumbled in your arms at the loss of my grandma?

Remember the times you supported me even though we were planning to separate?

Remember the times you held me when I cried?

Remember the times you arranged for dinner when I was too sad or sick?

Remember the time you stood up and protested with me?

Remember the time you took me to 417 to leave a piece of grammy there?

Remember the times you helped me not puke?

Remember the times I did and you were still there?

Remember the time we first talked about practicing?

Remember the time you forgot how amazing you were, and I told you I would write you a “short” list of reasons to remember?

 

DaDoo

Don’t think about it just feel it

Anyone can do it but not do it well

Destiny can be tricky but never avoided

Determination on both ends got us here

Offering  unconditional Love will guide us forward

Opportunity is here and our mission is clear

Delicately raise another beautiful soul

Love them and instill them with all that we know

Ensure they are protected, help them grow

 

 

 

Insomnia

Mommy loves daddy

But daddy doesn’t love mommy that way

She keeps him prisoner

Holding obligation over his head like and anvil

Any moment he could walk

At any moment that weight can crash down

Why do I force you to stay

Where I know your heart is not

Why do I feel this

When you clearly feel it for her

Who is happier, you or I

Sometimes I fear it’s only on mine

To the Left

Just a little farther, I think to myself as he sits on the bench. Just inch a little further to the left…

It’s a funny thing those dark eyes. You really only get to see them shine in the light. Light eyes are easy to love. You see them all the time. But the brown ones? Those dark pools of onyx are magical. In the light, oh in the light!

There it is, in that light I see the gold highlights, the auburn embers, the hot-colored speckles of passionate red.

It’s mesmerizing, intoxicating, and comforting all at the same time. I crave that sunlight, I need it. Now if you could move a little to your left…

 

Teardrops

There once were two lovers

The kind you read of

Perfectly imperfect for each other

But the world was cruel

It turned passionate rain-drenched kisses

Into desperate tearsoaked fits

Where once two great loves stood

Now only cowered a broken soul

Beware fairytale creatures

Not all endings are happy

Even if the love is true

Inside

Please don’t stop

I’m sure I understand

Are you ready as I am

Do you feel the same

Are you ready to begin a new life

With each breathe I get closer

I feel you there too

If it happens together

If you finally do

I’m begging you honey

You have the key

Unlock this puzzle

Reveal level three

Numbers Guy

So tell me Mr. Numbers Guy, you’re so good with this and I’m so bad so school me. I’m not good with math, please help me understand it.

Exactly how many were there? How many times did you step out on me?

Note: I didn’t say cheated, cus definitions here are vague. I want to know how many times you searched outside the marriage for companionship.

How many times did you try and create a bond with someone that was sexual? Or romantic? Or possibly one or both but you’re not sure? So you have to pursue it, but how many times? How many women have you let think you cared for them, when you were telling me you were faithful? How many times would you have cheated if you were addorfed the chance?

I want to know them so at least I can start to know this person whom I never have met, and know how many of my friend’s cryptic “your man is in my DM’s” posts are meant for me. I imagine it’s awkward for them when I like them on Facebook.