Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans, right? Well my first post was written BEFORE I knew my marriage was over, when I thought we were going to make it work. It’s unfinished, unedited, and now serves as nothing more than a reminder of my failure… my too little too late… the worst day of my life… my lost Love. I hope one day I can look back on all this and think of it as a beginning, rather than the end.
I sat down to write a piece on “How I learned not to sweat the small stuff” and ended up with no direction. I thought about how this piece would fit into the book and what I liked, wanted it to feel and sound like…. And came up with nothing. Maybe before you can write about a lesson, I need to know why I’m teaching it? So why am I teaching it?
I’m a 34 year old, married professional who gave her 20’s and early 30’s to her career… and almost lost her partner in the process. You hear all too often “life got in the way”, and it sounds like a cop out, but it’s true.
When we first married my goal was to be the best Wife and Worker EVER! Type A, older child, over achiever, self-proclaimed super woman (who don’t need no man)… shiiiiiiittttttt. I had this in the bag! I was focused in every which direction, but things eventually spun out of control. As my positions got more demanding of my time and efforts, I had to pull that energy from somewhere.
I slowly but surely siphoned time from my personal life to give to my work life, hoping that at some point I could move it back. For anyone who works in business, you know how that worked out. Yea… it didn’t. I was working 60+ hours a week, I was preparing to take in my elderly grandmother, we were moving into our dream house, and my life began a full death spiral.
I failed. I failed myself, my husband, and my marriage. My partner, the man with whom I pledged to Love, Honor, and Cherish above all others was at the bottom of my list… ALWAYS. All the reasons I was “the best wife ever” had disappeared, and all my husband was left with was my salary to keep him warm. Something he never wanted in the first place…
The D word, yup, that’s come up from time to time but was never a real threat until something worse happened. My husband fell out of Love with me. The words literally broke my world apart. How did this happen? How did I not notice that the man I had been in Love with for years fall out of Love with me and I not notice? How did we sleep in the same bed, have sex, joke around, and function without me realizing the Love was gone? How was I looking into those eyes and seeing Love that wasn’t there for a WHOLE YEAR!
You guessed it, life got in the way. I lost focus on the one thing that mattered most to me in the whole world. And for what? Money? A title? Material possessions? I would have traded it all away, and went millions into debt for that Love back. I failed, plain and simple. When I stopped hiding behind “how busy I was” I realized just how badly I fucked up. How many times I put everything else first, and him last. I needed a hard Reset button, a do over, another chance… but I already got my second chance before we even got married.
He was planning to leave, honestly he still has one foot out the door, and still isn’t in Love with me. He has love for me, and loves me, but it’s not the same anymore. Due to our “unique” situation (which I will get into later), I was granted a final “Hail Mary”. I wanted him to see that I was already making moves in the right direction. I wanted him to see my changes and see who I really was, not what I had allowed myself to become.
Back to the beginning again, so why am I writing this? Well, my husband and I have been through IT ALL. We have always wanted to write a book, but never had the time. Bitch I ain’t got nothing but time for what WE want to do. I want to finally use my skills for what I intended them for, to help others. To help my friends and family, and to have fun with my best friend. So I am writing this for you, for me, for my marriage, and for fun.
I am not sure if I will be writing the chapter on divorce alone, or all the chapters alone. I don’t know if my husband will ever fall back in Love with me, or leave me. I don’t know anything except this: I am in Love with him, and our marriage is worth it. I have never been so unsure of anything in my whole life, especially when it is attached to the only constant. Yet here I am…