Sometimes…

Sometimes anxiety and depression are strange bedfellows and made worse when C-PTSD come into play. Sometimes when I’m in that hole, telling me solutions will help pull me out. But sometimes…

Sometimes it digs me deeper. Sometimes it makes me think that those options would work for a regular person, but not me. Sometimes I feel isolated by your suggestions and wish you would just crawl down here and hold me while I feel like shit.

Sometimes that makes you feel like shit, like I don’t listen to you. Sometimes it makes you think I’m all about the negative and all my work has reverted. That I’m 2017 Me again…. and sometimes I think you are right.

Sometimes that makes the ditch swallow me whole. That I have fallen so far, that I am so unworthy that the work I did wasn’t enough. Sometimes I think it never will be. That I will never get better no matter how hard I work….

Sometimes it makes me angry. Makes me feel like all you want to do is fix me, and make me positive 100% of the time. Sometimes it makes me feel like you don’t love the broken dirty parts of me, but only love me when I’m the happier me.

Sometimes you love me, and sometimes you don’t. Sometimes you help me, sometimes I wish you wouldn’t. Sometimes I wish you would just love me bad and broken. Sometimes I feel like you never could. Sometimes I think I deserve someone who would, and sometimes I believe that only death will.

It’s been 2 years…

… and I think I owe an update on where I am. This was a journal for me to express my thoughts, feelings, and life changes. If you’ve been reading my stuff it can be hard to figure out what has happened, but let’s see if I can’t catch you up with a quick note.

There has been a lot of writing, I started a book treatment, but it’s been very slow going. Somehow I end up working on another project anytime I open the laptop for the book. But isn’t that always the way? Creativity is a fickle thing, and it’s impossible to force. So when the bug hits me to write something else… well… I fail.

Work, has been good, crazy, but good. I have boundaries now and make time for my family. My brother and my brother-in-law have moved in with us, so the space we created for my Grandmother has not gone to waste.

The two year anniversary of her passing is coming up in February, and my family is still in shambles. My mom is ill as is my stepfather, but they are plugging along okay on their own. My sister and I still don’t talk, but she is living on her own, and still being herself. On the bright side my mom is now acknowledging the abuse I suffered as a child so I have a little validation there.

But onto the good stuff: my marriage. Well, we are still together. Still working on us and still taking it day by day. All the work we’ve done, all the shit that has happened, has somehow made us stronger and brought us closer. However, I don’t say things are going to last forever. I know just how delicate a relationship is, and how much work it takes, and I refuse to get complacent.

So what’s in store for 2020? Not sure yet, I will keep the page going but still more for myself and my growth. If anyone has questions or requests I am open to engage… but you know how that goes.

Happy Holidays y’all!

Pagans are the reason for the season, so thank a heathen today!

A is for…

Asshole? You fucking Cunt! Not to sully the good name of Cunt, but oh boy is A for you and is A for absolutely-synonymous with worthless excuse for a woman. And yes I know that you’re not the only one, do you? I know he wasn’t the only one for you.

You think you guys are meant to be? Well, get ready for the truth: You’re not. Plain and simple. Not in ‘97, not in 2007, not in 2017, and certainly not in 2027. However, I must admit you apathetic assholes deserve each other! You’re adulterers and liars who have such little respect for the sanctity of marriage. Neither of you understand the gravity of your actions, but trust me soon enough you will.

Yes, I am mad at him, and yes I am going to deal with him directly because he chose to do what he did. But I’m going to address you here. You didn’t give me the decency of an apology so you don’t get the decency of my private correspondence. You get put on blast here. So as your love says “put it in your blog”… here it is.

How fucking dare you? How little self respect does one need to have to put their own marriage and the lives of their three boys in trouble? For what? Tell me for what? I gave him the freedom to run to you. Why is he still here with me? What did you tell him? Why did you deny him? Did you finally see that he wasn’t the right one? Or that your stability was in danger? Did you finally realize that the universe would not send another woman’s husband to save you? Or did you just do this for sport?

I was giving everything to my marriage, to save what I love, what I worked so hard for. Did you think I deserved what I got for failing to pay attention? Well tell me cuntface, what do you deserve then? What is the appropriate karma for trying to steal another woman’s husband? Should I send all the receipts to your husband and let him figure out what your karma should be? Or should I just wait for the sins of the mother to fall on the son?

You’re a grimey, entitled, scared girl who needs to either talk to her husband about how shitty he is, or leave before starting something with someone else. You will never receive the love you are looking for, or that you say you need, bleeding all over others. Ruining their families and pretending it’s fate while all along you never intended to backup all that talk.

Part of me would like to print the whole list of emails, the pictures, the poems, the love notes, the whole fucking shebang baby! Bring it for a trip up to Jersey. Drop them in your hubby’s car or place of work. Or would you prefer I put them in your neighbors mailboxes? Can you tell me how many of these pics you sent him too? Or the other man… um men?

I could make a play for your man… See if I can’t get him to do something even more heinous. How about me having that little girl you always wanted with your husband? Sounds like fun right? I think so… How about your littlest boy calling me Mommy one day?

Or I could get my crazy on, I mean the old school Lizzie-crazy. I haven’t had a good fight in a long time, you wanna square up? We can settle this like men would, and TRUST me I am more man than you ever will be. And I take that as a compliment. No weapons needed, I will choke the life out of you with your own gigantic stripper titties. Or, how would you like it if I pinch that massive nose of yours and suffocate you by making you suck my cock till you puke and make you swallow that?

Kind of wish I was still that person, but I’m not. I know the universe will take care of you and this mess. Both he and you are going to realize the full horror and pain your actions have caused. I know this to be true, even if I never see it. Although if there is any magic left in this body I will get front row seat to the carnage. Will you be woman enough to see it when it comes for you? Will you ever grow up enough to even say you’re sorry?

Here is the thing… I forgive you for it, I do. It’s something I always saw in the distance and finally just stopped keeping from happening. I’m glad it was as good for you as it was for him. I hope you learned something, and I hope you understand that it is out of the goodness of my heart that I don’t destroy everything you hold dear. DO NOT mistake that kindness for weakness again.

I do not wish this pain on even you, my most mortal enemy. However, I do wish you healing. Why you ask? Because there has to be something really broken, still, in you to do this to someone. Especially when you know in great detail what it felt like to be on both sides of the coin. Until you respect other women, you will never respect yourself. I wish you good luck in that journey.

Sincerely,

The “Bigger” Woman

P.s. I know this is childish, but just a word of warning. He’s told people about what happened, I’ve told people, and now this? It’s only a matter of time before it becomes community knowledge. We run in some of the same crowds. I suggest you come clean before you’re forced to deny and lie. Always: The truth eventually comes out. SWAK

 

Editor’s note: Wow. That’s some powerful stuff. Well-said, my Love.

 

A quickie for my Love

I wrote a quick note just to say

You make me feel kinda gay

This warm fuzzy feeling deep in my gut

Makes me want to touch your butt

I know you think I’m just a tease

And much prefer me on my knees

So today you’ll get some silly prose

I hope this made you wrinkle your nose

Or even gave a passing glance

To what you have in those pants

Because my dear, no work tonight

Means I’ve got your cock in my sight

So smile as you read and look away

I’m going to suck that cock today

Desire

I want you in all those dirty ways

The sweaty, slippery, state of immediate response

Dreaming of the delicate trace of your tongue

My body craves the pressure of yours

Completely fulfilled yet still needing more

Your hand creeps up my spine

A handful of hair at the nape of my neck

Where is a question I still haven’t mastered

Passion so thick is hangs in the room

Take your chance and I’ll take it all

Some days…

Some days are great, the sun shines even through the clouds. I can see the future, the forest, and the fun… even if the rain is pouring down.

Some days are difficult, the sun shines but I don’t feel the warmth. I can’t see anything but the fog, the fakes, and the facts…. even while we laugh.

Most days are amazing, the weather doesn’t matter because the climate is steady. I feel everything the fascination, the frenzy, the fangirling.

The trick is to remember that no matter what, no matter where, and no matter why, if you call for me, I will be by your side.

 

 

DaDoo

Don’t think about it just feel it

Anyone can do it but not do it well

Destiny can be tricky but never avoided

Determination on both ends got us here

Offering  unconditional Love will guide us forward

Opportunity is here and our mission is clear

Delicately raise another beautiful soul

Love them and instill them with all that we know

Ensure they are protected, help them grow