Death by car

Focused on the page but unable to write, just rerunning the occurrence of the day. I was almost killed today, nothing for real, just an accident avoided. Yet here I am, replaying it over and over for my mind to relive the adrenalin rush and punish myself. Anxiety and depression are feeding this mental block so I guess let’s write this out and maybe I can move on…

The truck, car, I play it over and over. I die a million different ways, in a million different scenarios. Sometimes people miss me, and sometimes I think it’s a blessing to them. I wonder just how much better off the people in my life would be if I just walked away. The burden of my life should not be falling on those I love…

Then when you think it can’t get worse, I think of my spouse in my place. I think about losing him and what I would do. I break in a way I don’t have words for and I start to cry. I imagine a life minus those that I love, and I now wish only for the accident earlier today to have been fatal so that I don’t have to hurt like this every night anymore….

and all I wanted to do was write.

Night terrors

Try to write but can’t… the anxiety monster has claws in my brain today and it’s now impossible to write or think of anything but this terror. So I lay back and welcome you to my Anxiety Corner, where I drop all the irrational anxious musings that keep me from life.

You’re the reason, it’s your fault

You’re not good enough

Apologize, again apologize

There is something inherently wrong with you

You don’t deserve to be happy

You can’t be trusted, You’re wrong

See that look, that looks says they are disappointed in you

The eye roll, the deep sigh,

you’re a piece of shit in their eyes

Ignore the touch, ignore their words, focus on the negative

You know they are just going to leave you

Everyone is going to leave you, you don’t deserve them

You are broken, you are a bad person, You should be alone

Here is a list of all the mistakes you’ve made…

Rinse and repeat until you fall asleep,

wake up feeling like shit tomorrow morning.