On the fence…

I had long since abandoned the will to help you or reach out and give advice

I had given it to you so often before and had it tossed aside

But here at the precipice of my own awakening to my trauma

I start to see it there in you

The hurt and anger that has twisted you, that empty box where your heart should be

You think you deserve to be abused, you think the way we were treated is right

I have told you before how I felt and a little of my shame

But I have yet to even admit out loud to anyone, what exactly happened to me

I can’t craft the words and push them past my lips

I want to reach out to you and tell you,

I want to apologize for not coming forward when we were younger

I tried to save you, but I was just too broken

I still can’t even save myself, how can I hope to help you

How can I reach across the divide and tell you you deserve better

In a way where you will truly hear it, when I don’t believe it myself

You are worthy of love, you are capable of change, you just need the right tools

If I find them, I will send them your way

For know just know I am sorry I couldn’t save you

I’m sorry I couldn’t reach you

I’m sorry the chaos of our childhood has broken us this way

Most of all I’m sorry that I will never be able to give back

What has been taken away from both of us

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