I don’t know if I can trust my gut right now, but I’m hanging on it’s every emotion. We move forward under the guise of “don’t give up on giving up”, but knowing he is willing to try. I am happy to just have that shred of hope, and I try not to let my anxiety get the best of me… but how can you not?
When he told me for the first time that he wasn’t in love with me anymore I was shocked. I knew he was unhappy, but this was not what I was expecting. I thought it was True Love, and I knew that we would make it back to where we began. We had always said that as long as neither of us was ready to give up at the same time, that we would make it to forever. When one of us is down and out, the other would pick them up. Damn it, that was what I planned to do.
Now there were good days, bad days, and terrible days. Like in life no two are the same, but you see patterns. Was my love blinding me to how bad things were for him? Or was I too focused elsewhere to notice? Ugh… would be helpful to know now that I am over analyzing every tick of his brow. Every sigh, every touch, every text, call, and gesture worked and reworked in my mind.
I see it there, that love, that smile. There are moments when I know for sure he’s going to look at me like that all the time. Not just in that moment. I know deep in my heart that the man I fell in love with is in there and can see me again. In all my manic glory, in my sudden sadness, in my nervousness. We laugh and joke, chase each other like children, play games and converse for hours. When we lay in bed together and cuddle, when he pulls me in close for a kiss… it’s been a while since he’s done that and I fall all over again.
Then, maybe even seconds later, it’s gone… or maybe not? Did he just break my gaze to look way? Is he avoiding my touch? Did he just pull away to get away from me? Am I reading to far into this? Or not far enough? Is that love I see for real? For me? Or something my sick brain is creating to shield me from the pain of losing him?