There is no try anymore

I couldn’t write yesterday, energy expelled trying to be “okay” for work. Closing my door and quietly sobbing into a tissue while I hear co-workers talk of their spouse and family traditions. My favorite time of year is hard for anyone with mental health issues, and this year it is especially hard.

I find myself torn between two opposing forces. The side that knows this is wrong, that he will see what I see and we will end up back together. That person wants to give him everything I didn’t when we were together. Let him use me and my body, the house, the money, whatever just to make him happy. He deserves to be happy right? That’s why this hurts so much, because he is a good person, and was good to me, not perfect, but really good. And Me? Well, I shit the bed. I was never there when he needed me, it was always my way, on my terms, and without concern for him. I chose my work over and over again leaving him alone in the marriage.

And the other side, the darkness. The empty shallowness of despair. The voice whispering to give up, that you were right all along, that love is meaningless and in the end everyone will let you down. That you’re so broken you can’t be loved, or love in return. That even when you had “perfect”, you were still too fucked up to keep it together.  What is the point of trying to move past this? What is there beyond it? Life without love, without joy, without security, without trust.

He says the last three years were preparing us for this moment, and that I should just “let him go”. You don’t need me, you’ll be better off without me, you don’t get anymore chances, you’ve had enough, sometimes you don’t get to make up for what you’ve done, sometimes things don’t ever get fixed, some people never find love, and some people lost the Love they were meant to have. It isn’t fair, but that is the point of this right? Would fair be if he left three years ago when he first felt this? Is it fair to toss aside our vows now?  Is it ever? I was unfair to him when we were together, and now that I finally got my shit together to give him what he needs, it’s too late. There is no more try…

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