Some one told me today that I was grieving a lost loved one. That the pain would be as if he were dead, because in truth the man I Love is no longer… So I Google the road ahead and find 7 stages, sounds easy enough to me. I’m nothing if not strategic, a planner. Type A, give me the starting point and let me get moving.
SHOCK & DENIAL Oh yea, we got lots of that… what next? PAIN & GUILT Wait can you be in step one and two at the same time? ANGER & BARGAINING Not quite, I get flashes of them but they leave as soon as they come I suppose. “DEPRESSION”, REFLECTION, LONELINESS What if that is pretty much every day? THE UPWARD TURN Oh we got jokes now. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH Right. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE That’s when hope returns? At the very end?
I don’t know how to make it through any of that without Hope. I can pretty much make anything happen is there is even a glimmer of hope, but no hope? There really isn’t much I can so with that.
No hope feels like the air and dark matter have been pulled from my body and I’m about to collapse like a giant black hole. Isn’t that how black holes are made? The death and gigantic implosion of a once great star? Sounds like a great way to describe this…
If you scream at a computer screen can the people on the other side hear you? If you cry while the words drop can other people see them? Can pain be felt even without the right adjectives to describe it yet?
…guess I will have to try this again when we see some Hope on the horizon.